The Grief Nobody Talks About: When You're the One Who Caused the Pain

Tip: Listen, then read. This post is a perfect match for Joy Lab podcast episode 254: How Facing the Harm You've Done Can Set You Free

There's a gate of grief most of us would rather walk past entirely. It's the one that asks us to look honestly at the harm we've caused — to others, and to ourselves.

This is the Sixth Gate of Grief, and it includes the words said in anger, the times we didn't speak up when we should have, the ways we've talked to ourselves that we'd never tolerate from someone else. It includes bigger collective harms too — the ones we participate in, sometimes without even realizing it.

And recognizing these harms is not just a guilt trip. Guilt, when it drowns us, just makes us useless. What we're after is something different — releasing the unconscious burden these harms create. Because you can "get over" something and still be carrying it. You can jump right over a wound and leave it completely untended. 

The goal here isn't perfection or atonement. It's inner freedom. And inner freedom requires telling the truth. Both truths: yes, you caused harm — and yes, you are worthy of compassion. As Sister Helen Prejean put it, people are more than the worst thing they've done. That includes you.

Simple Joy Practice: A 5-Minute Harm Release Ritual

This one's short, and it works precisely because it's small.

Set a timer for 5 minutes.

Bring to mind one harm — not the biggest thing, just something that's been sitting quietly in the back of your awareness. A word said unkindly. A moment of inaction. A pattern of harsh self-talk.

Name it out loud or in writing. Just name it. No spiral required.

Notice where it lands in your body. Chest? Gut? Throat? Just notice.

Offer yourself this: "I see this. I'm not only this. I'm learning." Place a hand over your heart as you say it. The touch matters — it signals to your nervous system that it's safe to be here.

When the timer goes off, do one nourishing thing. Step outside, make tea, text a friend. Let your body know the work is done for now.

Grief moves through us in small doses. You don't have to dive into the deep end. You just have to be willing to look — and then, gently, to let it move.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. — Maya Angelou