249. Everything We Love, We Will Lose: Navigating the First Gate of Grief
===
[00:00:00]
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons and welcome back to Joy Lab.
Aimee Prasek: And I am Aimee Prasek. So we are on our series on grief. We're working with our Element of Savoring, and today we are looking through that first gate. Everything we love, we will lose. So there are a few things I'm certain of in life, and this is right up there at the top of what sounds like Mount Depression, but I promise there's something surprisingly liberating about this truth.
So let's start with what this gate includes. I'll just name a few. It's the gate we, feel when someone dies, a parent, a child, a partner, a friend, a pet. Losing a home you cherish, losing a place that held meaning for you, maybe a, a childhood neighborhood that's been developed. Maybe a place you [00:01:00] went to to get a dollar ice cream cones, and it's now a vape shop. That's on my list of losses.
Henry: Well, you can go for your vape.
Aimee Prasek: It's not a dollar and it doesn't taste as good. It's, it's losing abilities. You once had, for example, my daughter asked me to do the worm recently, and I just could not do it. And let me be clear, I did the worm at my wedding in a full, big wedding dress. So the worm was kind of my thing and it is not my thing anymore. So, this doesn't really
Henry: I'm sorry for that, Aimee.
Aimee Prasek: Me too, but, you know, it's, with that, it doesn't have to be heavy stuff that we're, you know, getting into right here either. The loss can still feel like something heavy often because it signals something bigger. So for me, not being able to do the worm means my body doesn't work for me like it used to.
I've lost that wormy-ness that feels kind of free and without fear.
Henry: [00:02:00] Hmm.
Aimee Prasek: So maybe an injury or illness took away your ability to do something you loved, or maybe you were sharp as a tack and now you're experiencing cognitive decline. So basically it's everything. Everything we love, we will lose, which is why it's the first gate. It is the most common, obvious entry point to grief.
Henry: Yeah. Well, first let me say, I don't know what the worm is, Aimee, but I am.
Aimee Prasek: I wish I could show you, but I cannot.
Henry: Well, I am pretty sure I can't do it, but there's no sense of loss for me 'cause I don't even know what it is. So I'm, I'm in this, in this instance, I'm good.
So I understand that this concept, everything we love, we will lose. Might sound a little fatalistic, maybe a little depressing even, but I find this phrasing to be quite beautiful.
I just [00:03:00] think it's a really lovely way of saying that everything is impermanent. Everything. Now, I think that the author could just as well have said, everything that causes us pain will pass because that's true too. You know this, the stuff we hate is also impermanent. But this is a series on grief and loss, and so we're focusing on that side of the equation as we should from time to time. So I, I wanna share a story. I remember hearing from Jack Kornfield, who many people know as a American Buddhist teacher. And, the way I remember it one day, his own teacher, whose name was Ajahn Chah. Held up a favorite Chinese teacup, a really beautiful teacup in front of the group of students. And, and one of the students asked if the teacher was concerned that it might break, you know, 'cause it was very old and very valuable.
And he said, [00:04:00] "to me, this cup is already broken." Because he knew that one day that was gonna happen guaranteed. But he could fully enjoy it in this moment, because he cherished it, but he held it lightly. No grasping, no clinging. Now I, I know there's a very big difference between losing a valuable teacup and losing a loved one. Huge difference. But I also think it's a little bit easier to enter this gate with the things that don't have quite such a strong emotional tie for us. And this is such an important teaching, this understanding of impermanence because so much of the pain that we feel is not from the actual loss itself, but it's from our attachment
to the thing that [00:05:00] we have lost. This is really one of the core teachings from mindfulness and Buddhist thought, and, and it's just a, it's a pathway to freedom really. So it's not that we don't love things or shouldn't love things strongly, we do very much, but it's possible to love them and still hold them loosely. Hard work, but really worth it in the end.
Aimee Prasek: Hard work, because we often train, at least in the west, that we can make things permanent. And that impermanence is a problem to be solved. Like we have entire industries built around this illusion, anti-aging products, biohacking scams, storage units for things we can't let go of.
Just all kinds of promises and products that tell us that we can preserve things exactly as they are. I think that this is really good evidence that we are [00:06:00] not so great at acknowledging this gate of grief, that no matter how many fillers you get or biohacks you hack or money you stash away,
everything you love, you will lose. And as you're saying Henry as this gate reminds us, that's not a bad thing, it's just the thing. So there's interesting research that has looked at how reflecting on impermanence, as a practice, so doing so consciously is associated with more gratitude, more positive emotions, deeper satisfaction with relationships and, I'm just thinking, and you noted it as well, I wanna, I do wanna highlight it for a moment, that working with impermanence reminds us that yes, everything we, we love, we will lose, but on the other side of that, as you noted, on the other side of that grief, this deep sadness that you might be feeling, that ache that won't last either unless we're grasping it.
Which we can do because sometimes being stuck in grief seems safer than venturing [00:07:00] out into a whole new world without the presence of whatever you loved now being lost. So impermanence does bring us freedom. This too shall pass, but working with it can be so hard. This is work we need training on.
We need practice with and we need support with.
Henry: Yeah, I can relate to that. So, in the last episode, I referred to this prolonged period of grief that I have gone through recently, and frankly, I just have not been ready to talk about it, Before, and I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm ready now, but I think this, doing this series on grief is a pretty good place to do it.
So I am gonna share a story if I can. I'm gonna offer this up simply in the hope that it is helpful somehow. And if it is, then that fact will add, add some [00:08:00] meaning to what has otherwise been a pretty excruciating journey for me. So, here it goes.
When COVID happened and everything shut down, I went abruptly from commuting an hour each way, every day almost.
So I was gone like most of the time. I went from doing that to being home every single day, 24/7. And when that happened, I realized very quickly that there was something very wrong with my wife. So, I got her in for testing and she was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's disease. I cared for her at home until this last summer, so it's been over five years.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: When I just couldn't do it anymore. And so she is now living in a memory care unit. Now, trust me, there are [00:09:00] a thousand stories I could tell from this. Most of them about grief or, but actually there's been some stories of joy too. But the really hard thing about this disease from my experience is that it is so slow, but relentless. And there's just one loss after another. But, but what I'm gonna share with you now is just, it's just one that is coming to mind. And it was in some ways a very simple thing but so poignant for me. And it was, it was when she needed to renew her driver's license around the time of her birthday. And she had given up driving years before that, but she needed to get a real ID, which the, the simplest way to do that was to get it through your driver's license, just in case we, we traveled. So I took her to the local DMV and in order to get her driver's license renewed, she had to pass [00:10:00] a vision test. Right. It's like we all do now. Her vision is fine, but she could not for the life of her follow the instructions that the woman in the DMV was giving her for how to do the test, she simply couldn't do it.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: And so finally, I, I mean, I could see how this was kind of painful for, for her and how it was not gonna happen, so I finally told the woman that my wife is no longer driving. All she really needs is the Real ID.
She doesn't need the driver's license, and so the woman said, sure, that's fine, but you just have to fill out this form. Essentially waiving her right, you know, acknowledging that she waives her right, right to drive. Now I was able to fill the form out, but she had to sign it in front of this woman. That is the first time I realized that she could, she no longer knew how to sign [00:11:00] her name and there was no amount of coaching or instructions that that could help her do it. Now, one of the really painful things about this was that my wife was still cognizant enough to understand what a loss this was. And she started to cry.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: And by, by this time there was a line of people growing, line of people behind us. And the DMV woman was aware of that. She was quite compassionate actually, but she did need to move us along. And so finally she let me sign this, you know, in front of her sign my wife's name, which after 40 years of marriage, I am pretty good at forging that signature. Something I [00:12:00] probably shouldn't say on a national podcast, but I am.
Aimee Prasek: Yep.
Henry: So we walked out of the DMV, both of us feeling. You know, pretty shattered.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: And she cried all the way home. She kept saying, I can't even do that. You know, and just feeling so bad. And of course I felt terrible for her, for me too, but mostly for her.
And I was fighting back my own tears because I didn't wanna make her feel even worse, you know? So the truth is that this, this thing was bigger than me. I do not claim to be an enlightened being, but I have been on this earth for a number of years and I have made a good faith effort, honestly, to practice what I talk about and write about and you know, 'cause I need to just like [00:13:00] all of us. But I was not up to this. I did simply did not have enough skill, enough practice to meet this challenge in the way that I try to teach others to do, and it took me down. I am emerging from it now, however, and I can see that we, I have grown from this now. I have had plenty of grief in my life prior to this, believe me, but relatively speaking, that was like taking a introductory class, a 101 class in college. And this was more like getting a PhD in grief. It's something I never want to do again, but it has changed me and I think it's changed me for the better. That is if I'm able to really recover, especially physically and mentally from, from this 'cause it took a lot out of me. Has it created more [00:14:00] space for joy? I actually think so. I definitely have more capacity for grief, and I'm pretty sure I have more capacity for joy too. And there are days now where I feel like the Rumi quote from a poem, but I am swimming in the invisible joy. And I love that quote so much. I wanna share a longer version of it, 'cause I think it's just a nice way to frame this wholeness of being human. So here it is, this isn't, isn't the whole poem. It's just a longer section of it.
"Half of any person is wrong and weak and off the beaten path. Half the other half is dancing and laughing and swimming in the invisible joy ."
Aimee Prasek: [00:15:00] Henry, I think what you're describing, and thank you for sharing that with, with us, is maybe the truest thing about grief. You said you were not up to this, you didn't maybe have enough skill, practice. It took you down. And I think, no matter how much we train and practice, we will get knocked down by grief a good chunk of the time.
I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring up another metaphor. I think we can think of grief training, like working to be a good three-point shooter. You first have to, if you wanna get behind that line and make some good shots, you have to start with the easy stuff. So you practice by the net and then out to the perimeter, and you still will miss quite a bit of the time, but you get closer every time and you can get the ball back and keep trying.
And then you start working behind that three-point line, like training for that really hard stuff that [00:16:00] hits us in life, like watching a loved one fade with Alzheimer's. And those collective or those repeating, relentless, losses as you noted. And if you're really good, you'll hit 30% of the time because no shot is ever the same.
The situation, context, the variables are always changing. So with a lot of practice, 70% of the time you'll miss but we can get back up. Henry, you're showing us you're a baller, man. You are so well equipped that you got back up.
Like that's the point. And you've got teammates who have your back. So grief is a team sport.
Henry: That is most definitely true.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah. We're on your team. I'm gonna throw you the ball and you're gonna shoot again. And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna pick you back up when you need it and you do the same for me. So. Yeah, grief is a team sport.
I hope we work as we [00:17:00] work on this series. We really emphasize that even though all of this is just inevitable, that everything we love, we will lose. That we will miss the shots and get knocked down. That even amidst all of that, that we can grow, we can continue to love, and our joy can expand. As we talked about last episode, um, and that we can be more equipped for all of it. Francis Weller notes that grief is not a feeling, grief is a skill. And so we can think of these gates as having skills associated with them. The skill of this first gate is that it teaches us to love and love more, love more deeply, love more unconditionally.
And we all know this because the big obstacle here is to close up and hold love back, right? If I don't love, then I won't get hurt.
Henry: Right.
Aimee Prasek: I have a, I have a friend who loves [00:18:00] dogs, loves love, loves, loves dogs. And I finally asked her after realizing that every dog she came by, she just obsessed over. I asked her, why don't you have a dog?
And she said, I just cannot get a dog. I cannot lose a dog. I cannot love them so much for such a short period of time to lose them, it hurts too much. Ugh, we lost our dear baby Baekan in on March 31st, 2025, and it is still an ache in my soul. that's it right? The more we love, the more the loss hurts.
It's like just the math on this. It is the risk. And I'll note too, losing a dog or a pet turtle or a cat or whatever is really tough as well. Lots of research to say that it can be absolutely as tough as losing a family member or close friend. Just I see you folks who have lost your sweet pets too.
So, the point though, we either love and lose or we don't love and we still [00:19:00] lose. I'm gonna bring one of my favorite quotes up as well. As Harrison Ford said in the show, Shrinking, "Griefs a crafty little effer. It sneaks up on you."
Henry: Did he say er,
Aimee Prasek: No, if, if I say what Harrison said, we have to put an E on this podcast episode
episode
Henry: let's not do that.
Aimee Prasek: So grief isn't just like a hitchhiker you can choose to pick up or not. Grief will stand at any gate you close and stare you down. I think there's something there. It's still visible reminding us that all that we haven't loved or kept our love from will also be lost. And that might be the biggest loss because love can't stand next to grief in those situations.
Um, We've got nothing to buffer it. And we need love to move through grief. So opening to love and savoring is a grief skill and it's prep work for, for loss because when you truly [00:20:00] savor something, you're fully present with it. The practice of savoring can soften loss. And that doesn't mean we're always savoring and never thinking about the fact that this will change, this will be lost.
Instead, it's this practice, so that we can hold both the love and the loss in equal or, or more nourishing measure. And so when we savor, when we can hold both, the more, the more often then can we realize or acknowledge, that this will be lost, I can savor it and it won't send me down that spiral of just feeling the loss .
Henry: Yeah.
So let's talk about how to be with this gate. How do we open up and love deeply and yet meet the grief of losing what we love with more skill. Francis Weller notes that grief practices or rituals are really something we should be [00:21:00] doing pretty often, kind of like regular exercise, you know? Um, let's, let's get our
Aimee Prasek: Flossing.
Henry: in
shape here.
Aimee Prasek: thought you're gonna tell us to floss with grief. Right. We talked about flossing as, I don't know what the metaphor
was for
Henry: Mental flossing.
Aimee Prasek: mental. That's what it was. yeah. Yes. We'll floss with grief.
Henry: Yeah, well, here's what he wrote. "Ritual is a maintenance practice that offers us the means of tending wounds and sorrows, for offering gratitude, allowing our psyches regular periods of release and renewal."
Aimee Prasek: Hmm.
Henry: There are a million ways to do this right, and some of 'em are more formal or more laid out
and those kinds of structured practices, particularly the ones that are collective, where folks gather together, can be so powerful. But when we're talking about doing a daily practice, they also need to be as accessible as our floss or doing our bicep curls or [00:22:00] going for a walk, right? So, one option is to do a micro-ritual.
Where you set a little short five minute timer and simply name the grief, sit with it, feel it, you know, savor it in the way that we're talking about here. So to do this, you can simply acknowledge a smaller loss that you feel capable of touching for a moment. You don't have to go deeply into it. It doesn't have to be a big thing.
You can just name it.
Aimee Prasek: I love that Henry, naming it. It can help us to understand like. Okay, this is what, this is what this is, this is what I'm feeling. The point here is that we're practicing with these smaller things as well, so that they don't add up.
And so that we're training to work on the bigger stuff. So we work on these smaller things. They get us stronger and more resilient so we can navigate the bigger losses. So we name it and then we can feel it. Notice where it shows up in your body when you identify a [00:23:00] loss. Maybe even how your body wants to move with it, like crying or stomping or laughing.
Allow it to move through you and move with it, if that makes sense. As long as your actions are safe for you or others. Like go, go do it. You can stomp with it, shout with it, cry with it, whatever. And if it becomes too much, just come back to your breath. Feet on the ground, anchor your attention back into the present moment. Your grief can move through you bits at a time. You don't need to dive in the deep end fully. You can come back to it and if nothing shows up in your body, that's fine too. A reminder that grief is not static. It comes in waves and different forms at different times.
It doesn't have to be any certain way right now.
And then I think it's really helpful. Henry, you noted this kind of micro- ritual. You can do this, you can name it, you can feel it. Five minutes timer goes off and then end with [00:24:00] something that you savor, something that nourishes you and that engages your senses.
Touch, taste, sight, smell, hearing. It could be some kind of loving self-talk, that you say out loud, you could say: "this is hard and you're resilient." You could add some supportive touch, like a hand on the center of your chest, or hug someone. You don't need to tell 'em why. You could just say, I need a hug.
You could play some basketball work on those three pointers. You could bake, take a warm bath, whatever feels supportive for you. As a way of helping us to stay open after working with that grief. And so something as simple as this kind of micro-ritual offer a bit of, as I just said, reopening, but also this kind of re-patterning.
It brings back a sense of safety to working with grief. So instead of ignoring or hiding from grief or actively stuffing it down, we open up to it. We feel it, we let it kinda work in us a little [00:25:00] bit and then we can combine it with something that supports our wellbeing, and that we bring our attention to fully as well.
And that little practice reminds us that loss is part of life and that we can handle it. And that working with it can nourish us.
Henry: I, I, I love the way that you wove in savoring there, Aimee. I'm, I'm, I am seeing the connection more fully now. I like it. I, I can see working with that.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah, I mean, it's just a reminder because grief is hard work. It can be scary, and that fear of not being able to come out of grief is real. So for us to be able to touch grief and then come out of it and nourish again, it's just creating that safety that, okay, this is a space that is, worthy and able to be explored.
Henry: Yeah.
Aimee Prasek: right, we can do that work.
Henry: Yeah, I think the word nourishing really resonates with me. Definitely [00:26:00] that's been a big factor in, in my being able to kind of come back from this, getting nourishing in a, from a lot of different sources and much of that as, as we've been alluding to has come from other folks, from community, from friends, from loved ones, you know, it's, it's, it's just remarkable how
true it is that that grief is not a, just a personal, isolated thing. It's, it's a team sport, as you've said.
Aimee Prasek: Oh, I'm glad you felt some nourishment. And Henry, I think too, what you shared with us is a reminder of that, especially when caretaking and grief collide, it can make it really hard
Henry: Yeah.
Aimee Prasek: to get that nourishment in. And that can even feel like a whole nother layer of effort on top of what is really hard.
And so what you just said to invite others to offer that [00:27:00] nourishment.
Henry: Yeah.
Aimee Prasek: can be really powerful. So, you know, as we just explore this practice, maybe on the, the other end of it, you, message a friend or you reach out to somebody and just ask them to come over and watch a movie with you or, or go for a walk.
Or just let folks know that you might need an extra bit of care. You too, as the caregiver can get lost in the equation.
Henry: Oh boy.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah, yeah. Grief is complex. So, um, I, I hope our, our time on this gate has been nourishing. Again, go to the show notes. I'll link some more resources, including this little micro-ritual and we'll put it at the blog, nice and laid out for you.
And then in the next episode, we'll open up into that next gate of grief. So, to close us, I wanna share some wisdom from Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She said, "We are all the [00:28:00] walking wounded in a world that is a war zone. Everything we love will be taken from us. Everything. Last of all life itself. Yet this reality does not diminish love. It shows us that loving is the most important business."
Hmm.
Thanks for joining us!: Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to learn more about the full Joy Lab program. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program.
Please see our terms for more information.
