When Grief Comes Knocking: Why Joy Still Matters

Tip: Listen, then read. This post is a perfect match for Joy Lab podcast episode 248: Why We're Doing a 10-Part Series on Grief (And Why You Need It).

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We're starting a 10-part series on grief, and yes, we know what you're thinking: I came here for joy, not tears.

But... you can't actually have one without the other.

Francis Weller puts it beautifully: "Grief and love are sisters woven together from the beginning." Which means if you're trying to lock out grief, you're also locking out love. You're locking out joy. And spoiler alert: grief has a key anyway. It's coming in whether you invited it or not.

Marinating, Not Mushifying

In our podcast episode (#248), we introduced a metaphor: grief is like marinating. When you let grief do its work, it tenderizes you. Makes you more interesting, more nuanced, more flavorful.

But here's the catch—marinate too long and you get mushy. The structure breaks down. What was there gets lost.

There's a sweet spot in grief work (researchers call it a "curvilinear relationship," because scientists can't resist a good curve). Too little grief processing = closed up. Some grief processing = growth. Too much soaking = breakdown. The key is staying awake and active in the process, coming up for air when needed.

The Truth About Grief in America

We're pretty terrible at grief in the US. We often treat it like an inconvenience, something to "get over" as quickly as possible. But the research is clear that people who actually process grief show:

• Greater emotional wellbeing
• Deeper relationships
• Stronger sense of meaning
• Better sleep
• Improved physical health

In short, grief is strangely good for us when we work with it.

What's Coming

Over the next nine episodes, we'll explore the "gates of grief." These are the doorways through which loss enters our lives and ways that we can work with that grief. 

Simple Joy Practice: The Both/And Breath

This practice takes 60 seconds and helps you hold space for grief and joy simultaneously, because as we're learning, they're meant to coexist.

Here's how:

1. Find a comfortable position. Close your eyes or soften your gaze.

2. Place one hand on your heart, one on your belly. Feel the physical support of your own hands.

3. Breathe in (4 counts) and silently acknowledge: "I can be with grief." Let yourself feel whatever's heavy.

4. Breathe out (4 counts) and silently acknowledge: "I can be with joy." Notice anything—sunlight, your breath, a pet nearby, the fact that you're trying.

5. Repeat 3-5 times. You're not trying to fix anything. You're just practicing holding both truths at once.

The point isn't to rush past grief toward joy. It's to recognize that your one hand can hold sorrow while your other hand holds something worth savoring. Both are true. Both deserve space.

Join us for the full 10-part series on grief. It's courageous work, and we're doing it together.