You Are Worthy of Love and Belonging, Even When You Feel Empty

💭 Go deeper: We talk more about this in episode #287 of the Joy Lab Podcast

Who are you trying to be enough for? It's a simple-sounding question that can be really tough to answer. Some of us don't feel enough for a parent, a boss, or a version of yourself you decided you should be by now. Whoever it might be, these pressures shape more of your interior life than most of us realize.

Self-discrepancy theory offers some insight here. This theory suggests we carry three representations of ourselves simultaneously: the actual-self (who we believe we are, and who we think others believe we are), the ideal-self (who we want to be, and who we think others think we could be), and the ought-self (who we believe we should be out of duty or obligation, and what we think others think we ought to be). When there are gaps between these selves, emotions surge. The gap between actual and ideal tends to produce dejection-related emotions like sadness, depression, or shame. The gap between actual and ought tends to produce agitation, like anxiety, fear, or guilt. This theory highlights how feeling "not enough" is rarely just one thing. It's usually a tangle of calculations, many of them running below conscious awareness, measuring you against a ruler you didn't consciously choose.

This might even be another Gate of Grief: the recognition that we will never become our ideal selves, never have the ideal life. That sounds bleak. But it's actually an off-ramp. Once you stop measuring the distance to an unreachable destination, the measuring quiets.

Sociometer theory is another helpful framework to consider. This theory suggests that self-esteem isn't really about how good you think you are at things, instead it tracks more closely with how valued you feel in your relationships. Neurologically, negative feedback sticks harder than positive feedback, which highlights why we might feel like our self-esteem goes up and down so wildly, but can also stay stuck on low when we feel rejected. 

The solution isn't to break the gauge or stop caring what others think. We're wired for both, and fighting that wiring is exhausting and futile. The solution is to build an internal fuel source. An oasis of self-compassion and inner knowing that fills you up when the gauge drops... because it will drop, repeatedly, unpredictably, sometimes unfairly. Your enoughness is like an internal gas station and you can build it up with the skills that we work on here at Joy Lab. 

Importantly, joy can't be forced. It comes from allowing. It can exist right alongside grief and struggle and loss. And the path to belonging and enoughness isn't perfection. Fighting to be someone different from who you are keeps you stuck. Accepting who you are is what fills your tank and makes growth possible.

Listen to Episode 287 to close the Element of Enoughness, and carry that into Joy Lab's next two Elements: Letting Go (October) and Self-Compassion (November).