267. You Can't Do Life Alone: Deep Connection is a Key to True Resilience
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[00:00:05] Henry Emmons, MD: Hello, I am Henry Emmons and welcome back to Joy Lab.
[00:00:09] Aimee Prasek, PhD: And I am Aimee Prasek. So we are in our Element of Resilience, and this is the final aspect of Resilience that we're exploring, which is creating deep connections. A perfect follow up to our last Episode. I wanna start us off with a quote from neuroscientist Dr. Louis Cozolino from his book, _The Neuroscience of Human Relationships__. _He wrote, "The individual neuron or a single human brain does not exist in nature without stimulating interactions people and neurons wither and die. In neurons this is called apoptosis. In humans it's called depression, grief, and suicide. From birth until death, each of us needs others who seek us out, show interest in discovering who we are, and help us feel healthy and safe...Relationships are our natural habitat."
So this is kind of a big deal. And just last Episode — I think the aspect of Resilience — this is, again, reminding us that this is not an isolated process. We really can't do life all alone very well — flies in the face, I think though, of what we're often taught, which is a kind of picking ourselves up by our bootstraps, self-made, kind of stuff. Which is toxic messaging. It is as bad as toxic positivity. Maybe that is toxic positivity actually. We are not made to be truly well, or resilient, all alone. We could survive or endure, but is that the life we want? Just surviving? And this doesn't mean we have to be extroverts or should be codependent. It just means we're interdependent and that our wellbeing is linked to everyone else's.
[00:02:03] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, I think we've seen just a huge number of studies coming out in recent years on mental health, and also physical health, [showing] that connection and belonging are more protective, and life enhancing, than just about anything else we can do. I often talk about the — what I consider the three main pillars of mental wellbeing. And in my mind they are sleep, self-acceptance, and connection. And even among those three, they're — while they're all important, I think that having deep, meaningful connections is probably the best thing we can do to keep us resilient and joyful.
Now, I like to think of connection in this context in the broadest sense possible. Having genuine, healthy relationships with other people, of course, is a really important piece to this. But it's also very important to have a sense of meaning and purpose — to feel like you're making a contribution in the world. And these are things that connect us to the larger world, beyond even relationships.
I also believe there is real value in taking time to connect with our own inner, deeper self. The part of you that is always in there, even if you aren't always aware of it. And we're often not aware of it, because it's not clamoring for our attention. It's kind of quiet. But I think it's very good to give it some of your attention. And then of course, having a connection with something beyond yourself, some sense of the transcendent, I think, is another really important aspect of this. So I see all of these things [as] requiring that we stay open, that we cultivate a good heart so we can keep ourselves open, which is what we focused on in the last episode. And sometimes staying open is painful. But it is worth it, because the payoff is so wonderful. It's this deeper sense of connection and belonging.
[00:04:25] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, the — staying open can sometimes be painful. We talked a lot about that in our Grief Series, so you can certainly head back there for more of those discussions. I think also, Henry, you're noting this broad sense of this — of these deep connections. It's so key —being open to connecting with ourselves, with more than what we expect, or who we like, or, you know, just what we've been told, or trained,to open up to. It just keeps our world small and closed up. And we know that we are made, we are wired, to connect in these deep ways, but we fight it. As you said, it can be hard to stay open. I love the John O'Donohue quote he said,
"Our bodies know they belong; it is our minds that make our lives so homeless." And one of those, yeah, one of those thoughts that can do this, I think — an error of thinking that can make our lives so homeless and block the forming of deep connections is what, Henry, you call the illusion of separation. And we've talked about this before, but I think it just needs to be highlighted again. I know I need to hear it again, whenever we talk about it again, because it is also just like a big obstacle to these deep connections. So do you wanna say more about the illusion of separation as it relates here?
[00:05:59] Henry Emmons, MD: Sure. Yeah. And I consider this to be one of the greatest enemies of joy, this illusion of separation. And I think that all the great religions agree on this point, that we are not separated, isolated beings. We're not. And yet, that is mostly how we perceive ourselves. The belief that we are separate is created by our own minds. Like John O'Donohue said so beautifully, "it is our minds that make our lives so homeless." Wow. That's just such a great phrase.
And I agree with you, Aimee, that language is so powerful, so moving. But there is a strong paradox here that makes it hard to understand this concept with our thinking minds, because on the one hand, this idea of separation is an illusion. But on the other hand, we do actually go around day to day in our own separate little bodies, rehearsing our own personal thoughts, carrying our own unique heartaches. I mean, this is our day-to-day experience. So it's kind of easy to see why most all of us have bought into this and you know, if you do look around, there are in fact people who sure appear to be really isolated and alone. So I think the real challenge is that we are feeding this illusion every single day.
The best that we feel we can do, if we're in this life on our own, is to take care of our own little container of resilience, you know, through the good self-care and healthy choices that we can make. And as we mentioned in our last Episode, that's a lot of work. And it still isn't enough at times. So we need to create a larger container, and I think that can only be done through openness and connection.
[00:08:22] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Hmm.
Yeah. In _The Chemistry of Calm_, Henry, you wrote that a "first key step toward creating deep connections is to wake up from this illusion, and replace the idea of separation with an awareness of unity." An awareness — not a requirement to go out and make five new best friends, but an awareness of unity. So let's kind of explore that, like, what does that look like in daily life?
[00:08:52] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, I like that you're reallykind of calling out the power of simple awareness. You know, it doesn't always require that we make wholesale changes in our lives. It's just a matter of where are we putting our attention.
[00:09:08] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Absolutely.
[00:09:09] Henry Emmons, MD: So let me talk about this through something I learned a while back that was really helpful to me, in waking me up. You know, I think our minds are always looking for the differences between ourselves and others — comparing ourselves to other people, or, you know, wanting to see ourselves as being more special perhaps, or on the opposite, feeling more deprived, or missing something, or flawed in some way.
So this practice, which is incredibly simple, and I think can actually be kind of fun, really can help us cut through this judgment, and the distinctions — the separations that our minds are making. So it's what I call a shared-joy practice. And here is a very simple example of how you could do it, but you can come up with a zillion different variations on this. You know, that's the beauty of this. Just kind of take the core of it, and create your own. So here's what I remember doing, that was so powerful for me. Go ahead and, take this and make it your own.
Choose a time when people are going to be gathering for some festive holiday, or something like that. Outdoors is gonna make it easier, so time of year makes a difference, but if there's a place you can be indoors with a lot of other people, great, [you can] do that too. And it could just be a random weekend, even. A Sunday, for example, when families are picnicking together or something. But something where there's a group of people, like a concert, a ballgame, and people are there to celebrate, [and] kind of have fun, and be with family, and friends. I did this at a city park and it was a family holiday, I think it might've been the 4th of July. But create your own version of this. Give yourself enough time so you don't feel rushed. I think at least 20 or 30 minutes is gonna be a good amount. And then just wander around, just watching people enjoying themselves — seeing how they're laughing, they're talking, they're eating; they're kind of laying around, they're listening to one another, maybe, tell stories. And just notice how much of their pleasure seems to come from interacting with the people around them. So as you do this, just try to keep your own mind quiet. Watch for any judgements that might pop up, comparing yourself to their lives, or feeling like you don't quite fit, for example. These kind of things probably will come up. And if you notice them, just notice, and then send them gently on their way. Just escort them right along. If you can, try to take genuine pleasure from these other people's happiness. And I find it enhances this to just silently say to yourself something like, "your happiness is my happiness." If you're able to do that, then just notice what, if anything, happens inside of you.
[00:12:37] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Oh, I love that.
I think this is also a good reminder that joy, [or] kindness, is a renewable resource. There's enough for everyone. This is not a zero sum game. There's another concept that I really like, another strategy, of sorts, that you could consider. It's called moral elevation. Moral elevation is that feeling you get when you witness somebody doing something kind, brave, or generous, and it actually does something to you physiologically. It's linked to positive emotions, better self-care, a stronger sense of connection with other humans. There's a great study by Drs. Jason Siegel and Andrew Thomson that found that people dealing with depression, who experienced moral elevation, were more likely to seek treatment. I think that's super important; really interesting, because the researchers think that, you know, [moral] elevation may stimulate oxytocin [and] activated, perhaps, the vagal nerves — which we talked about last Episode — leaving people feeling more calm, more trusting, less self-focused, and more open to receiving help.
So this is powerful. How can we tap into this? First, I think, clear some space for it. Because moral elevation is already around us. We just have a lot of clutter, I think, blocking it. Particularly media. So a big first step is to be honest about what you're consuming, assess your social media feed. What's the overall theme? If it's mostly talking about what's wrong with people, then it's crowding out room for moral elevation. Clean it up or take a break. And there's a common response, I think, when I say that we need to maybe reduce it or pay attention to it. And it's that we think, "ah, it doesn't really affect me." I used to say that too. It's actually called the third person effect: the belief that media doesn't affect you as much as it affects others, and it's just not true. You are not the exception. I am not either. These things impact us. So I'm off social media for the most part, not because I wanna be necessarily, but because I feel better when I'm off of it.
Then once you've cleared some space, actively seek out content that offers you some elevation. You can do it digitally by changing your media, but the best way, I think, to do it is to do it offline. Do what Henry suggested, out in the wild. Look for folks supporting one another, doing something kind, as you said. And because moral elevation is contagious, you'll likely find yourself initiating it too, after you witness it. It spreads. And suddenly you're not just, like, experiencing elevation, you're generating it as well.
[00:15:25] Henry Emmons, MD: Hmm. I love it. You know, one of the things I like so much about what you just described, is that you don't really need to do a lot of work to create this moral elevation. It's almost like all you need to do is remove the impediments to it — the things that keep you from it, you know, like the negative messaging that feeds this idea of separation. Just by removing something like that, this sense of elevation or expansion just comes up so easily and naturally.
[00:16:04] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah.
[00:16:05] Henry Emmons, MD: You know, I believe we are naturally buoyant. So it's a lot easier to be lifted up with the right sorts of inputs if we can just remove some of these things that are holding us back.
[00:16:22] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah.
[00:16:23] Henry Emmons, MD: There's a little haiku that I read years ago that this reminds me of, and I just love it. I love it. Especially when talking about resilience, beause I think it just nails that, so here it is. "Spring comes, and the grass grows, by itself." And that's a really, really simple thing. Spring comes, and the grass grows, by itself. Which I think of like this natural buoyancy. Just allow it, and it will grow. I think this is true for creating deep connections. We don't have to put out years of effort. We don't have to fix ourselves first. We can simply stop feeding the idea of separation and then connection comes by itself.
[00:17:24] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Hmm. Yeah. Spring comes, and the creeping Charlie grows by itself.
[00:17:32] Henry Emmons, MD: Hahaha. Yes, it does, doesn't it?
[00:17:33] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah. Like, that's how resilient we are. Naturally. That creeping Charlie is everywhere in our yard right now. But yeah, I love it. Let that inspire you. Look at the creeping Charlie. That's in you too, in a good way. And we don't need to fix ourselves first. Amen. We can remove some obstacles, make a bit more space, our resilience rises up. I hope that that truth has come through during our work with Resilience. This resilience, this natural resilience that you have, that, yes — we have to practice this stuff and build it up, but a big part of resilience is also dropping some of the blocks and obstacles that we've put up; actually putting out less effort at times; dropping our guards, or our swords, and our reaction to fight, or to hold on too tight, so that our natural resilience can rise up.
Those of you in the Joy Lab Program, your Experiment for this aims to help you embrace that a bit more, to tap into your rhythm of resilience that is more fluid as we've moved through these different aspects, to capture what rings true for you. So head there, and If you haven't joined the Program yet, join us. We'd love to have you.
So to close our time today, we'll turn to some wisdom from Dr. Thomas Lewis, a psychiatrist. I think it remindsme of the simple power of this aspect of Resilience. He wrote, "the human being is a social animal. To live in connection with others is not an achievement. It is our original nature."
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