289. What Are You Holding On To? The Science & Skill of Letting Go

October 01, 2026

We define "Letting Go" as the skill of loosening your grip on the thoughts and behaviors that keep you anchored to the past, resisting the present, or anxious about the future. And the goal isn't just to be more present, but to be less burdened and exhausted by the endless effort to edit what happened, control what's happening, and predict what's coming next. When you stop pouring energy into all of that, you get that energy back. We also describe letting go surrendering to what is or allowing things to be as they actually are.

Importantly, letting go is not avoidance, withdrawal, or slamming the door and suppressing emotion. Letting go is closer to what psychologists call psychological flexibility and non-attachment, which means you engage fully with your experiences and feelings without being controlled by the outcomes. You still feel; you just choose what to do with the feeling instead of being driven by it.

The big takeaway is that, again, this is a skill. It doesn't matter how terrible you think you are at letting go, it simply takes practice. In our episodes and experiments for this Element of "letting go," we'll cover four areas where the grip tends to be tightest: unhelpful thoughts and rumination, the bigger stories we tell ourselves, the myth that we need closure to move on, and maybe the hardest of all... letting go of control. Tune in for each episode to help you build your skill of letting go and recapture some energy and freedom.

About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.

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Sources and Notes for Our Element of Letting Go:

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Questions this episode was made for:

Q: What does "letting go" actually mean? Isn't it just telling yourself not to care?

A: Letting go isn't about suppressing feelings, slamming doors, or becoming detached; it's closer to psychological flexibility and allowing, where you engage fully with your experiences without being controlled by the outcomes you're gripping. Importantly, letting go is a skill and this series will help you build it.

Q: Why is letting go so hard even when I know intellectually that holding on isn't helping me?

A: We hear you! It's hard because your brain is doing exactly what it was wired to do; the tiger-and-tree-branch story we told in the episode illustrates it perfectly: We grip what feels familiar and known even when it's limiting us, because uncertain ground feels more dangerous than a bad branch; the good news is that letting go is a learnable skill, and the series ahead covers the four areas where the grip tends to be tightest.

Key moments:

[00:00] A working definition of "letting go:" the skill of loosening your grip on thoughts and behaviors that keep you anchored to the past, resisting the present, or anxious about the future

[01:00] The impact: being less burdened and exhausted by the effort to edit what happened, control what's happening, and predict what's coming next — and reclaiming that energy

[03:00] Another frame: surrendering to what is; allowing things to be as they are and actually gives more agency

[05:30] What Letting Go is NOT: avoidance, withdrawal, suppressing feelings, rejection, disengagement — it doesn't mean you stop caring

[06:00] Letting Go enables psychological flexibility and non-attachment — engaging fully with experiences without grasping at outcomes

[08:00] The tiger and tree branch story

[10:00] Letting go of what feels familiar can feel scarier than staying stuck with something that isn't working

[10:30] This is learnable; Joy Lab will work on it together

[11:30] Four upcoming areas: (1) letting go of unhelpful thoughts. (2) Letting go of the bigger stories we tell ourselves. (3) The myth that we need closure. (4) Letting go of control.

[14:00] Closing wisdom from Anthony de Mello: "You don't have to add anything in order to be happy; you've got to drop something."

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:05] Henry Emmons, MD: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons, and welcome back to Joy Lab .

[00:00:09] Aimee Prasek, PhD: And I'm Aimee Prasek. We are in our brand new Element of Letting Go, and we're gonna spend our time today understanding what this is all about; what Letting Go means, and also what we're gonna cover in the next group of Episodes.

We here at Joy Lab like to lean on what are called operational definitions. So that means a kind of testable, specific, consensus definition from the research. Letting Go does not have that. So based on lots of our own years of work on this concept, this Element of Joy, we've got our own [definition]. So when it comes to our work here at Joy Lab, we see Letting Go as the skill of loosening your grip on the thoughts and behaviors that keep you anchored to the past, resisting the present, or anxious about the future.

And I think it's important to note that it's not just about being more present when we work on Letting Go. Letting Go is really about being less burdened and less exhausted by the endless effort to edit what has happened, to control what is happening, and to predict what's coming next, because all of that takes a lot of energy. And so when you can let go of those thoughts, those behaviors, that really are holding you back, or that are sort of keeping you stuck, then you can get that energy back and there's ease, there's freedom, there's space; there's opportunities waiting for you in that space.

[00:01:59] Henry Emmons, MD: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I like that notion of Letting Go as freeing up some of our energy, you know, for what we really wanna put it toward.

I have heard the essence of Zen practice described very simply as, you stop thinking. I love that, 'cause when you stop thinking there's a huge sense of relief, and also a release of energy, just like we're talking about. And the relief, I think, comes from this very thing, from letting go. Because in that moment, when you can stop this incessant attachment to thoughts, you're just not caught up by what you think your problems are, by what's wrong with you, or by what you fear is going to happen. Now, there's a time for thinking, of course. We're not saying don't ever think. But we don't have to do it all the time. We don't have to give our lives over to it, which is essentially what most of us do, you because we're doing it so much of the time without realizing it.

Another way to think of Letting Go is to surrender to what is; to allow things to be as they are . And that is not passive. That takes great skill, but it's so much more effective than trying to control what happens, which we can't do anyway. So when we see things as they actually are and allow them to be that way, then we can decide if we need to take action and what that action should be, what we refer to as wise action. So we have more agency, not less, which seems like a paradox, when we let go or surrender. Ultimately, letting go gives us more say in the outcome, not less.

[00:04:13] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, it does seem like a paradox. Henry, you said "surrendering to what is." I feel like that's just a better definition than the long one I gave. Haha. Maybe, maybe that's it? Doggone it. Let's work on this as a community, folks. Let's keep working on our definition of Letting Go.

So we've got the long one I just — I gave at the beginning. Henry, you've got, maybe, surrendering to what is, as another one. Yeah, anybody else, throw yours in the comments, wherever you're listening.

[00:04:46] Henry Emmons, MD: Well, another term I like for it, 'cause the — I guess the word surrender, for some people, might feel like you're giving up or something. But another nice frame is allowing. You know, to allow things to be as they really are.

[00:05:04] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Well now I just feel like our definition at the beginning sucked. Oh, let's keep playing with this.

The other thing you noted is that, to your point on surrendering, that this isn't passive. I think that's super important. There's power here; purpose. Which means letting go is not avoidance. So we're not rejecting anything or pushing things away when we're letting go. So it's not withdrawal; it's not disengagement from experiences or our feelings or, you know, rejecting our concerns. Letting Go doesn't mean that we don't care anymore.

So Letting Go is, I think, actually closer to, or even maybe enables, what's sometimes called psychological flexibility, or non-attachment — where we can engage fully with our experiences, and emotions, and relationships, and whatever. Allowing, as you said, Henry — allowing. So even though we're letting go, we're actually still engaging, but without grasping onto expectations or just the outcomes that we want.

[00:06:17] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, I agree. I — this is very far from being detached or disengaged. In fact, it's quite the opposite because it really allows us to be more present. You know, you often hear someone say, "Let it go," you know, which I think means stop caring so much about it. But letting go doesn't mean you stop caring. It just means that you aren't controlled by it. You still feel, but instead of being driven by it, you choose what to do with that feeling.

[00:06:51] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, we often hear people say, "Let it go." Like a whole Disney franchise, I'm thinking, is built on that. And I l — I love that _Frozen_ song. It was played a lot — we have an eight-year-old — it was played a lot in our house. But the lyrics kind of highlight the problem that you just noted, Henry. "Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door ... you'll never see me cry." Other parts are better, but I think those two bits are not really nailing what we're talking about here.

[00:07:24] Henry Emmons, MD: I don't have an eight-year-old, so I actually don't have those lyrics memorized, but that's really — that's really interesting. Hahaha.

[00:07:31] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah. I mean, there's great parts to the song, but those two bits, I don't know. You know, none of this is about slamming the door or suppressing emotion. And maybe that's what's hardest about it, right? Letting go means we have to be open to what's uncertain and uncomfortable, and that's uncomfortable.

I love this teaching story — you know, I'm not sure its roots, so please comment wherever you're listening if you know the origin [of] this, but — let's imagine for a moment there's a person running. They're being chased by a tiger, and they're just a step ahead, but they're approaching a cliff. The only option for them is to leap off and try to catch the side somehow. And so they leap, and they turn, arms outstretched, and they grab onto a branch. The tree supports them, and so there they are, now dangling high above the ground, holding onto a tree branch. They start yelling, "Help! Help me. Is anyone there? Help me." And they hear a kind of booming, all-encompassing response, "Yes?" Shocked, the dangling person responds, "God, is that you? God?" The voice replies, "Yes." The dangling person, obviously so grateful at this point, "God, oh please, save me, God. I will do anything." God replies, "Okay, just let go." The person grips onto the branch just a little tighter. They're silent for a bit...

[00:09:17] Henry Emmons, MD: Anything but that.

[00:09:18] Aimee Prasek, PhD: ...looking around at how difficult their situation is right now. They can't see any other options. They finally respond, "Um, is anyone else out there?"

[00:09:32] Henry Emmons, MD: Hahaha. I love it.

[00:09:36] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Right? I think that describes perfectly how scary it to let go. Even God is like — God themselves is like, "Yeah, let go. I got you." To release our grip on what feels safer to us, even if what's safer isn't great and might really be limiting, if you know, we're thinking that's safer — that letting go and opening up to what's uncertain and unknown can absolutely feel scarier.

So we're gonna work on that. We're gonna get more comfortable with Letting Go.

[00:10:12] Henry Emmons, MD: It's funny because it's true. Haha. We all recognize it.

[00:10:17] Aimee Prasek, PhD: That's right. Absolutely.

[00:10:18] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah. So we are gonna work with this skill of Letting Go, and we're gonna do it by focusing on four different areas related to it, that we'll cover over the next four Episodes. They're challenging, to be honest, because we hold onto things so hard, just like [that] story suggests. And also, I think, because we are rarely conscious that we're holding on so hard. But these topics are also empowering because when we do learn to let go in these areas , like we were saying earlier, we can create so much inner freedom for ourselves.

So here they are. Next Episode we're gonna talk about letting go of unhelpful thoughts, so the kind that feel intrusive, or that we tend to ruminate on.

[00:11:12] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yes.

[00:11:14] Henry Emmons, MD: We do know about that.

[00:11:16] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yes. We can help there. We have a lot of experience. At least I do. Haha.

[00:11:22] Henry Emmons, MD: We're in our wheelhouse.

So then the next week we're gonna work on letting go of the bigger stories that we tell ourselves. You know, the kind of stories that color how we feel about ourselves or our lives.

Then we'll take on the myth that we need closure, or completion, and if we can do that, then we're able to move on.

And then in the final of these Episodes, we'll talk about the area that's so hard for a lot of us, which is letting go of control and instead allowing things to unfold as they will.

In a way, these four build on each other. You — they can each be taken separate, but they do tend to build kind of nicely, I think. And it's worth saying this again: that this is not easy work. Letting go sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but it's not. Your brain will resist because it goes so much against the patterns we have put in place our entire lives. But it is absolutely learnable, and the freedom on the other side is worth it.

[00:12:41] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Mm. Yes. Tough work. Letting go of the tree branch kind of work. Absolutely worth it. And it gets easier with practice.

So I am really looking forward to working on all of these aspects of Letting Go with you all. It's so much easier to do as a group as well, in our Podcast community. You might not see it in front of you, this community, but know that we are all practicing together and that generates a lot of shared support. And you can dive deeper with our Experiments, so be sure to head to the show notes, learn how you can join for that, and that is how we keep this Podcast alive and going through your support.

And to close our time today, I wanna share some wisdom from Anthony de Mello — He wrote, "You don't have to add anything in order to be happy; you've got to drop something."

I I

[00:13:45] Thanks for joining us!: Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to subscribe. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

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289. What Are You Holding On To? The Science & Skill of Letting Go

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