Ease Anxiety, Boost Connection: What Checking Yourself Actually Does for Your Mental Health

 💭 Go deeper: We talk more about this in episode #270 of the Joy Lab Podcast. 

Here's something that might surprise you: the ego isn't the enemy of humility, or of your mental health. It's actually trying to help. The problem is when it tries too hard. Understanding that distinction is a powerful and practical stress relief tool to add to your mental health toolbox.

In episode 270 of Joy Lab, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek dig into the "Check Yourself" piece of Dr. Daryl Van Tongeren's humility framework, and the star of the show is the ego. Specifically, something called ego threat.

Meet Your Overzealous Bodyguard

The ego's job is to maintain a coherent, positive sense of self and protect you from threats. And it's pretty good at its job. The trouble is it can't always tell the difference between a genuine threat and someone simply questioning your idea in a meeting. So it responds the usual ways to both. The response is often to deflect, deny, counterattack, shut down, overexplain, or people-please.

That's ego threat in action. And when it's constantly activated, it's not just mentally draining, it's physically exhausting. 

What Humility Actually Does Here

This is where the positive psychology research gets genuinely useful. When your identity isn't riding on being right, being the best, or avoiding criticism, incoming challenges stop registering as threats. They become information. It's a shift from a threat response to a curiosity response and it's where mental health benefits live: less anxiety, less shame, more emotional resilience, and more genuine connection.

Three Things to Try Right Now

When you feel ego threat creeping in:

1. Pause. The more urgent it feels to respond, the more important the pause.
2. Take one slow breath. It literally gives your brain a chance to come back online.
3. Ask yourself: "What would I think about this if I weren't feeling defensive?"

And if you need something more grounding — place a hand gently on your body. That small act of supportive touch can be enough to find the exit from the loop.

As Tara Brach puts it: "The ego is not your enemy, it is your partner. Make peace with it."

🎧 Listen to the full episode of Joy Lab wherever you get your podcasts, or visit JoyLab.coach to explore the full program.