Values & Confidence: Create Direction, Not Perfection

💭 Go deeper: We talk more about this in episode #276 of the Joy Lab Podcast

"Values are for direction, not perfection." That was a gem that Dr. Emmons dropped in episode #276.

It's a helpful reminder when we're working on that reframe of confidence. As we talked about in episode #273, we tend to build our confidence on external approval (e.g., what others think, whether we hit a specific outcome, whether we performed well enough). And when that works, it feels great! For a moment, but then we need another win, another approval, another round of applause. And when we fail (which we all do), then the confidence collapses.

This is a similar phenomenon to fragile self-esteem: a temporary high based entirely on circumstances working out. It's not real confidence. It's a feeling that's always one bad day away from disappearing.

Grounding confidence in values changes this completely. Values, unlike goals, aren't things you check off a list. They're more like a compass. You don't achieve honesty once and move on. You practice it every day, in small and large ways, imperfectly, continuously. And that ongoing practice builds something real: a sense of identity, a sense of purpose, a sense that your effort matters regardless of the outcome.

One strategy to clarify your values comes from Viktor Frankl's three categories of values (with a Joy Lab twist). Consider these categories:

1. Creative values: what do you love to give?
2. Experiential values: what do you love to receive?
3. Attitudinal values: what do you stand up for?

Take some time to think through those categories and write some answers down in each. Just free write without any worry about what you're writing and if the category you're writing in is the "correct" one.

And notice if you're answering authentically or answering with things you've been told you should care about. Pause and ask: what do I actually care about?

Once you've identified a few values, then consider some of the things that you've been waiting to take action on. Do they align with any of your values? If so, those things may really be worth the effort of some uncomfortable action. Because even tiny actions that align with your values, practiced day-after-day, are like little sparks to help ignite your sense of connection, meaning, and confidence. 

As Dr. Howard Thurman said: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."