28. Self-Compassion: Remembering You're Not Alone
In this episode, we're talking about self-compassion. We're digging into that third aspect of self-compassion noted by researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, which is: common humanity vs isolation. The essence of this aspect includes the feelings of not belonging and feeling alone in our suffering.
Dr. Neff describes this:
"Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational, but pervasive sense of isolation. As if 'I' were the only person suffering or making mistakes.
All humans suffer. However, the very definition of being human means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience. Something that we all go through, rather than being something that happens to me alone."
In this episode, we'll work to break out of isolation and break out of these cycles of self-isolation.
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Key Takeaways:
- We have to acknowledge that there are external things in our lives that we have little control over. We have more leverage, more control over our inner experience.
- Self-compassion offers us an opportunity to stop fighting with our depression and anxiety.
- We have to hold ourselves and our pain with love to get relief.
- Social pain, the feeling of being left out, is literally painful, using the same pain circuitry as physical pain does. That means when we feel supported, our interpretation of pain will be reduced.
- Fight, flight, and bite are not are only ways to handle stress... The "tend and befriend" response offers us another avenue to handle stress and reduce social pain.
Links Mentioned:
- Joy Lab Program (go deeper with everything you learn from the podcast)
- Joy Lab podcast episode 7 (You're Wired for Compassion)
- Joy Lab podcast episode 26 (mindfulness vs over-identification)
- Joy Lab podcast episode 27 (self-kindness vs self-judgment)
- Dr. Kristin Neff's website
- Research: The Neurobiology Shaping Affective Touch: Expectation, Motivation, and Meaning in the Multisensory Context
- Research: First Things First: Parent Psychological Flexibility and Self-Compassion During COVID-19
- Research: Self-compassion as a predictor of interleukin-6 response to acute psychosocial stress
- Research: Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation
- Tend and Befriend Theory
- More about Mr. Rogers and a letter to himself (from The NY Times).
On Jan 1st, 2025, the Joy Lab Podcast and Program moved from Natural Mental Health to the nonprofit Pathways North.
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