Henry (00:05)
Hello, I'm Henry Emmons and welcome back to Joy Lab.
Aimee Prasek (00:09)
and I'm Aimee Prasek. So it is not uncommon to reject, to push parts of ourselves away, the sad parts, the grieving parts, the struggling parts, the not working parts, but those are essential parts of who we are. So we're going to get into that today as we dive into self-awareness, the practice of knowing yourself without judgment.
And we'll talk about why acknowledging all the many parts of yourself can spark healing and inspire a sense of connection that makes you feel more alive.
So let's do it. Let me give a little bit of a recap though. Last episode, we talked about inspiration and how self connection can fuel it. And we identified those three aspects of self connection, self awareness, self acceptance, and self alignment. And we're digging into self awareness today.
So self awareness is our ability to see ourselves as accurately as possible.
with clarity and as much objectivity as we possibly can. It is a practice, a skill of gathering knowledge of ourselves, and it is something we will continue because it is not a one and done thing. You will never be finished with self-awareness. Bomp, bomp. All right, so this is a continual lifelong practice.
Henry (01:35)
Yep.
Aimee Prasek (01:41)
It's also the case that at one particular time, you are never fully self aware, or completely un self aware. So it exists on a spectrum and it differs across domains. I think that's really important to remind ourselves, we might have excellent self awareness when it comes to our work relationships, but really lacking, maybe with family relationships. So the spectrum can shift depending on the domain and a lot of factors.
I'll give an example.
If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I will be there. And Henry's like, I don't know, Aimee, hold on. Hold on, self-awareness is coming. But it has to be a kind of structured thing and I will have to have negative consequences if I'm late. Like.
Henry (02:20)
hahahaha
I'm listening.
Aimee Prasek (02:33)
Yeah, it's, God. All right.
shouldn't have said this out loud. So if there are negative consequences, I will be on time. And so I was really shocked, nay offended, a few years ago when a friend told me that I was always late to stuff, like friend gatherings. And I told her that is not true. And she responded by noting that I was late to come see her that day. And my response was,
I'm always on time if it matters. I know those of you listening are like, ooh, you probably got it much quicker than I did. I went home, I thought how silly her statement was. I mean, I was never late for class. I've never missed a flight, a show. And then I started thinking about those kind of informal gatherings or times when maybe being punctual didn't matter to me so much.
And yes, I was definitely late to those. was really only thinking about myself in those calculations of when to leave and what time I'd arrive. ⁓ but it did matter to my friends, especially if they were waiting for 20 minutes for me, because I said I'd be there at 10 and it's 10 15 now. That's like the start time for Henry and I to podcasts. And then I send him a text. I'm working on it.
Henry (03:31)
you
Hehehehehe
Aimee Prasek (03:55)
Self-awareness doesn't mean you can fix everything immediately. But it really, it just
had not hit me until she said something and I had to kind of turn it over in my mind. So this is still something I struggle with, but I've gotten a lot better about either not promising a specific time or trying to be on time when I do and at least acknowledging as well that it does matter to others and me being late is disrespectful.
So that was my aha self-awareness moment of late.
Henry (04:23)
Mm-hmm.
Well, Aimee, you're raising the question of...
of which self we're becoming aware of, because we have a lot of different parts to ourselves. We are not just one unified self. I'm remembering the line from Walt Whitman's poem. I think it was Song of Myself, and the line is, I contain multitudes.
And I think each of us contains multitudes inside of ourselves. We are so much more than we typically think we are. So when I'm going through something that's emotionally challenging or just maybe trying to describe to a friend what's happening inside of me, I often find myself saying,
I'm a complex person. I think that's true. And to varying degrees, Aimee, I think we are all pretty complex. And I embrace that, actually.
So for me personally, being self-aware is not the problem. It comes very naturally to me so easily that sometimes I wish I could shut it off a little bit. It's like I can't not see things. Now that does not mean that it always feels good. Believe me. Sometimes what I'm aware of is just how much pain I'm feeling inside or how much loss I've had and how strong and unstoppable
the emotions seem to be. But you know what? I've come to where I would not change any of that. I do sometimes wish things were easier, of course, but really I wouldn't want it to be any different inside. It's not that I love the drama, but it's what I experience as the richness, the nuance, the depth of...
my inner life and I think each one of us carries that within us and I am a big fan of welcoming all of it.
Aimee Prasek (06:35)
Yes.
You are a complex creature, Henry. We are, we all are. Yes. And sometimes, well, this, what you just noted, I think reminds me, of how self awareness works. You really have to see the many sides. Like just from my example above the issue with me being a punctual person. Clearly the answer is it depends. Which self are you referring to? Selfs, some selves are
very on time. And isn't that more interesting than like, yes or no? I mean, yeah, that's where the good stuff is in those multitudes where clear answers ⁓ don't really live. And having comfort with that being open to that, it can be hard. It's a big reason why curiosity is one of our elements of joy. ⁓
related to your point of how self aware awareness doesn't always feel good. I think Khalil Gibran said they who have not looked on sorrow will never see joy. There's no joy lab without sorrow. I love that you bring this up, especially with self awareness. And as we see these many parts of ourselves, like sad grief stricken disconnected. Those aren't failures or misses.
the real problem, the real miss is when we don't see it or we push it away because whether or not we see it or welcome it, it is there, right? And when we don't know it's there or when we stuff it down, it can come out sideways. No matter how far you stuff it down, there's always a little outlet that takes a wild trip.
And so like, no surprise, self-awareness is essential for psychological health and wellbeing. And when we practice it, I think it sets an intention starts to seed a belief in us that is really powerful. And that's this idea that we are a person worth knowing with all of our multitudes
want to know these things about ourselves because we are worth knowing. And when we practice that self awareness, we can come into that kind of intention or affirmation. I am worth knowing you are worth knowing. And I think that belief like just that belief can be so healing.
⁓ that has been my experience as well with depression. think that relates for so long, I thought depression was a weakness and something I had to push away and fight against that, that aspect of me wasn't worth knowing that depression, that sorrow wasn't worth knowing. And man, was I wrong because like I just said a moment ago, those aspects of ours, ourselves that we reject.
that we block our awareness to they don't surrender, they don't go away. And I'm not saying every wild thought that goes across our minds needs, you know, investigation, but giving awareness to those weighty ones that matters.
Henry (09:37)
I
I'm thinking about this quote that I just came But it's, ⁓ you know, so often I use the metaphor of the storm to talk about things, going through really hard things like depression or really bad anxiety or simply a big loss in one's life. mean,
Like we're all going through pretty big storms these days just with what's happening with us collectively. And ⁓ I think this idea, this notion of self-awareness and awareness of even what's happening as we're going through these experiences can be really, really helpful. So let me read that quote. It's by someone I've never heard of, Haruki Murakami.
Here's the quote, and once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm's all about.
So I like this, to me, this is kind of a statement of self-acceptance that in a sense, these storms that we go through are here to change us. It's not like you were saying with depression, Aimee, it's not end, it's not the...
that it's something to be avoided and not entered into and faced really clearly and directly. It's something that when we do that, when we have the wherewithal to see and accept ourselves at a really deep level, including what's happening that's really hard, it offers the chance for us to become different than we were. And if we're embracing healing, that is exactly what we want.
Aimee Prasek (11:48)
Mm. Yeah, we did a great series on working through emotional storms. I will put that in the show notes. So if you just resonated with ⁓ kind of that storm metaphor, I think it's a really powerful series.
and related. Another piece about self-awareness, thinking about storms, is that
self evaluation nearly always tags along with self awareness. And with self evaluation, we are comparing that self we observe to our own standards and values. And that's not a bad thing. That's like not the storm yet. Healthy self evaluation is necessary for survival, and for flourishing. And because of its importance, self evaluation can happen really automatically. In fact, it can happen so unconsciously that we are not even
aware of it, it can happen without self awareness, which is great. I think I've given this example before, if you and another person are being chased by a lion, your self evaluation is your speed compared to the other person. You do not need to outrun the lion. You just need to outrun the other person to save yourself. So that's the power.
Henry (12:46)
you
You
Aimee, I
do not want to confront a lion with you. I know you are faster than me. I'm toast.
Aimee Prasek (13:11)
I would love to think that I'd prop you on my shoulders with like,
run. No, I don't know. God, I'd hope I'd come and help or you'd help me. We're not in the element of compassion anymore. So we don't really have to talk about that.
Henry (13:24)
We're
works in progress. We'll get there.
Aimee Prasek (13:28)
Yeah. Lord.
So right. So there's a power of self-awareness and unconscious self-evaluation. You can quickly, often unconsciously, have a measure of success that you evaluate yourself against. It's really helpful when Henry and I are being chased by a lion and I need to save myself. Thanks for a good run, Henry.
Henry (13:43)
you
Aimee Prasek (13:46)
Okay, now here's where the storm can come in. Here's kind of the curse of unconscious self evaluation. We will compare ourselves to demands, expectations, our standards, all these metrics we've set for ourselves and have often adopted unconsciously or maybe semi consciously from others or media or culture. It's just what we do. And if we don't have some awareness of our comparisons or the metrics we're using, then we can get stuck in
lot of suffering. And that's because we move from unconscious self evaluation into self judgment really fast. We quickly evaluate that we haven't met a demand and that we then kind of nearly just as quickly berate ourselves, we negatively judge ourselves almost instantaneously upon sort of assessing, evaluating. But when we are more aware, we can almost
time, that space between self evaluation and self judgment, or we can reflect back with more accuracy and notice when we're measuring ourselves and what we're measuring ourselves up against. And then we can question if those expectations, those metrics are realistic. Like, is it possible? Do you really believe that meeting that particular goal or demand is worthwhile? Is it a value you really hold? And so we need to
be awake for that evaluative process, because then we can decide, yeah, I do think that's possible and worthwhile. And maybe I'm not meeting that goal now, but I want to. And that's really powerful, because it kind of helps us set these more aligned goals that we can then more likely achieve. Or we could see that we are being ridiculously hard on ourselves, setting impossible expectations, or maybe we don't even resonate with the belief or the goal.
Maybe
it was something someone told us when we were little, parents expectations or media messaging, whatever, but deep down we know it's not ours. If we don't have that awareness, then we can't see any of that stuff and self evaluations can take a life of their own and speed into self judgment, which often leads to ruminations, denial, disconnection. Yeah.
Henry (16:09)
So there are two things coming to mind that I want to say. One, the comparisons that you were just referring to do not stop with our own expectations and standards. In other words, we're not comparing ourselves just to ourselves. I wish that was what happened, but that's not. I think the real trouble
starts when we start, we begin comparing ourselves to others and man, do we do that these days. So I don't wanna go down a rabbit hole but I think this is where social media can become frankly dangerous. And our poor minds don't have a chance really against that. If left to their own devices,
gonna conjure up all kinds of negative comparisons to others. And I think adding social media to the mix is just adding fuel to the fire. It's like an accelerant that can bring us to a tipping point that then becomes hard to tamp down. So that's one thing. Second thing I wanna say is perhaps a little more nuanced.
And that is that self-awareness includes the ability to see when we are judging ourselves. One of the many parts inside of us, one of the multitude is a judge who can be pretty harsh and unyielding. The sooner we can see that he or she is doing their thing, the sooner we can say,
Thank you, but this is not what I need right now. Maybe I will bring you out another time when I'm not so emotional and it'd actually be helpful to see what I could do better. But for right now, let's just set you aside.
I still remember from over 30 years ago when I learned mindfulness-based stress reduction from John Kabat-Zinn, his definition of mindfulness stuck with me. It's moment-to-moment awareness without judgment.
And it's that without judgment part that I think is so hard to practice. And when we can do it, it is just incredibly helpful.
Aimee Prasek (18:35)
Yeah. Your note on social media, I do just want to like, raise that up. I think it's a really good point too, just in the fact that it kind of just exhaust our system too, with so many opportunities for ⁓ self-evaluation and self-judgment to sort of come in rapid succession. It's just sort of like, you get fatigued.
that part of your energy, your functioning is just like it gets worn down with so many moments of,
encouragement pressure to compare ourselves. So I think it's really wise to bring up because there's a question there. Is this a place that feeds me? Or am I getting stuck in that that cycle of really quick self evaluation to self judgment and it is not a weakness. Like you said, it's just like this human tendency and we get tired. Especially if you're on a scrolling after time like anything else. If you're on the treadmill for a while, you're gonna get tired, your legs are gonna get tired.
This is a skill, this process is practice as well. It gets, we get tired and then we can fall into these patterns. I think much easier. ⁓ We also did an episode recently on caring about what others think, which I think relates to what you just noted as well, Henry, with those social comparisons. So I'll put that in the show notes. So point here.
We are innately self aware creatures. That's a good thing. We do have to practice it because there are a zillion obstacles we face on a daily basis. And good news there are like a zillion ways to practice self awareness as well. And so here's one. I call it the many selves It's an awareness practice that will also help us identify some values that we're going to use kind of later in the month. So value.
values are the deeply held beliefs, attitudes, and principles that are kind of our compass, really, they influence our choices, our behaviors. And interestingly, our 12 elements of joy could also be considered values. So there's 12 of them right there for you. But for this practice, I want to kind of avoid the tendency of trying to like, put one word
on the value, like honesty, my value is honesty. Instead, we're going to really kind of work to connect more of a description of how these play out in our lives, tease out some of the more in the field ways that these values show up and we'll lean on Frankl's categorization of values here.
So Frankel identified that core values can fall into three categories, creative, experiential, and attitudinal. So if you can, grab a piece paper and something to write with, pause the pod if you need, and then create three sections on the page. And you're going to identify some of these core values in those categories. So you've got your lines drawn, or do it in your head right now. You can do it on paper later.
So creative values in that section, write down what you love to give all the ways you'd like to contribute to the world in a positive way. might be art or shoveling your neighbors driveway or planning gatherings with your friends. So take some time. Name those ways that you like to create ⁓ share it with the world or ways that you like to serve others.
Next section, experiential values. These are the ways you love to receive, like in the real world, the things that you love to witness or be a part of, because it feels really good for you. It might be hiking in the forest, and the smell of pine trees or crunching leaves, sound of that. It might be listening to live music, talking with friends, might be attending group fitness classes, or
taking naps, write them all down all the ways you experience nourishment. last are attitudinal values. These are the things you stand up for. And in Frankl's description, this is more about what you believe what you stand up for amidst hardship.
Like when circumstances sort of beyond your control, you've been knocked down, what can you kind of hold on to as a life preserver? For example, maybe you believe that grief can help you tap into what you love.
or forgiveness is something you believe is really healing and freeing for you might even write how that shows up in your life. This isn't just like a silver lining thing either. It is what we'll think of Frankl's history, right two to three years living in concentration camps. Everything was taken from him, except
as he describes his attitude toward what was happening. So it's not head in the sand, it's actually about standing your ground and choosing an attitude that can help you do that, that can nourish you in some way amidst stress or loss or struggle that can help pick you up and keep you upright. So you can add those attitudinal values to your list. What do you stand for? What helps you stand?
And then after you've added some items to each section, you can just set it aside and like don't overthink the sections either. Like if you put it down, great, good choice. Put it in a category. Don't worry about if you think it's in the wrong category or not.
And then maybe add to it during the week, just giving a bit more awareness to your values, what you love to give, what you love to receive, what you stand up for. Add those into those sections this week, and then we'll use it again later this month.
Henry (24:37)
So this is reminding of an article I just came across recently, and it's written by a psychologist. It was called The Existential Balm of Seeing Yourself as a Verb, Not a Noun. So that's a little obscure title, but what I loved about it is this idea that we are not a thing or even a multitude of things.
We are in process. We're in the process of becoming and hopefully becoming something greater than we were. So we are always unfolding and we are doing so in relation to the world around us, the people in our lives and in our own sense of self, which we're talking about, our moods, the breath from one moment to the next.
process.
and we are becoming. just love kind of holding that which is I think very much what Victor Frankel was saying here. He was not defined in any way shape or form by his experience. He held to what was most true for him. His attitude, his approach to these terrible experiences in his life and that could not be taken away from him. He became something clearly, something greater than he was even through
that horrible of an experience.
Aimee Prasek (26:08)
Yeah. Yeah. We are not nouns. We are verbs. I think I heard that from Stephen Fry before.
Henry (26:20)
wow.
Aimee Prasek (26:21)
Which
makes, just cracks me up, because we've talked about Stephen Fry as well ⁓ for the episode on narcissism a while back and how I've leaned on Stephen Fry Greek myths and my understanding of that. Hold on, now I had to, I'm actually gonna bring up the quote, the Stephen Fry quote. Here's what he said.
We are not nouns. We are verbs. I am not a thing, an actor or writer. I am a person who does things. I write, I act, and I never know what I'm gonna do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun. God, I love that. And to your point too with Frankl's, like the freedom of choosing and becoming.
Right? Verbs are moving. They're not static. So we are verbs. We are becoming. As you said, Henry, that's what's hitting me a lot lately as I hear folks as well ask my daughter what she wants to be when she grows up. And I mean, I get the question, but it also kind of hits me weird. It's so, it is kind of limiting kind of this idea that our careers or jobs or our profession is us and that we have to kind of take
us now and change to be this one thing this one noun that we are set to be in the future. And so I like this idea of asking ourselves and the kids in our lives, what are you becoming? I think it can spark some self awareness and reminds us that we have so much within us we have everything we need within us to be who we already are. And a perfect follow up
to that reflection self-acceptance. And we'll be digging into that next episode. So be sure to listen. To close us today, I wanna wisdom from Rumi. Here's what he wrote. The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself. Everything that you want, you already are.
