276. Confidence, Motivation, & Values: Focusing on Direction, Not Perfection
===
Hey, folks. Aimee here popping in to just let you know that in this episode, Henry does refer to gun violence at the three-minute and 30-second mark. If you are not up for that, You can skip that piece. You can come back at four-minute and 50-second mark, or at the six-minute mark to avoid that conversation entirely.
All right, here's the show
[00:00:24] Henry Emmons, MD: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons, and welcome back to Joy Lab.
[00:00:29] Aimee Prasek, PhD: And I'm Aimee Prasek. We are in our Element of Confidence right now, and we're digging into this step of clarifying our values as an important step to build Confidence. And I think at first glance, this might seem really weird. What do values have to do with you feeling confident or not? Surprisingly, a lot. And a big reason [why] is that it can help us shift where we're putting our attention, and where we can take action, to build confidence. So — we've talked about how this feeling of confidence can kind of hold us back, right? And that feeling is so often built on these external factors. The "shoulds," as in, "I should feel more confident doing this. People should see my confidence. I should appear this way." So it's focused on what you think others are thinking about you, or it's fully focused on whether or not you met this specific outcome.
So this is a fragile kind of feeling confident that is dependent on our performance, really. So we're using that other definition of confidence that is more in line with trust, a willingness to take action. And so we can peel performance, and those shoulds, and what we think others are thinking about us — we can peel some of that out of the confidence equation a bit. And it's not that how we perform isn't important in some cases, it just doesn't have to be in charge of our confidence.
[00:02:07] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, I think that's such a crucial distinction, 'cause when you're basing your confidence on external approval — what others think, whether you hit a specific outcome, or meet some standard that you have for yourself — essentially you're handing your confidence over to things that you don't control. And you might succeed. You might get the approval or achieve the goal, and then briefly you will feel confident, but then what? You need another goal, another approval, another win. It's just like a hamster wheel. And the moment you fail — and you will sometimes fail, right? 'Cause that's being human — then your confidence can collapse. So that's the fragile self-esteem we were talking about in an earlier Episode, and it's just not real confidence. It's a temporary high that's based entirely on external circumstances working out.
So when you ground your confidence in your values — in what actually matters to you, in who you really want to be — it really changes this. Because values are not something you achieve once and then move on from. Values are something you live from. They're an ongoing practice. And that means you're not waiting for some future moment to feel confident. You're practicing confidence right now, every time you act in alignment with what matters to you.
So let me give an example. One of my values is compassion. A few months ago, there was a horrible shooting at a Catholic school in Minneapolis, and people were unsettled, and scared, and grieving, 'cause young children were killed and others [also] were just traumatized so bad. And really, it was traumatizing to the entire community. And shortly after that, I was asked to give a talk to a group that was deeply disturbed by this — this specific act. And they wanted me to say something that was both healing and reassuring. And my first thought was, "I don't know that I'm up to this. I am no expert in trauma. What can I say that would be really meaningful and helpful here?" But then I gulped and agreed to do it, knowing that if I was able to show up fully and speak from my heart, it was going to be okay, and it would probably be helpful.
Now, if my confidence is based solely on performance, I would've felt paralyzed, 'cause I would've had to nail that talk to make everyone think I was an expert or something, which I wasn't, and then that pressure would've made me feel even more anxious. But if my confidence is grounded in the value of compassion, it allows a shift. Then I can ask myself, "How can I show up with compassion in this moment?" Compassion for the people listening who need this information, compassion for myself even though I'm feeling a little nervous about this, and then the focus is not on whether I'm doing it perfectly, it's on whether I'm able to show up authentically with care. And guess what? That's what really makes a good talk anyway. And that's what makes people trust you. You don't have to be a content expert in this instance. So the confidence comes from being in alignment, not from being perfect.
[00:06:06] Aimee Prasek, PhD: I love that, 'cause you just described what I think is unsettling, sometimes, when we think about confidence. If you take performance out, it's like, what's left? Nothing — if we haven't clarified values, or if it's just hooked on that external approval, or perfection. But if it's connected with values, it gives us something to stand on.
So our first strategy is to clarify our values. Henry, you described these a bit; I'll do it again. Values are the deeply held beliefs, attitudes, and principles that are kind of our compass. A lot of our Elements of Joy are values; we kind of already work on this in a sneaky way.
[00:06:52] Henry Emmons, MD: It's True.
[00:06:54] Aimee Prasek, PhD: We do, yeah. I love that. Within Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and strategies, one of the frameworks we've been leaning on for our work with confidence, values have a really big role. They are described as, in the research — hang with me here. I'm gonna give a definition that kinda sucks, but it's kinda great, so hold on. "Values are freely chosen, verbally constructed consequences, of ongoing, dynamic, evolving patterns of activity, which establish predominant reinforcers for that activity that are intrinsic in engagement in the valued behavioral pattern itself."
[00:07:36] Henry Emmons, MD: Oof. Hahahaha.
[00:07:36] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Ugh, oh God, it's so terrible. At the same time, it's super good, so I wanna — this is from Wilson and DuFrene. I'm not, like, slamming your definition, folks. But let's dig into it, 'cause it's actually super good when you pick at it.
So, it's pointing out some really important things. First, our values are freely chosen, not chosen for us — not stuff we want to believe is really important in our lives and spin our wheels [about] because we've been told that they should be important, but things that really matter to us.
Second is this verbally constructed piece, and the note that values arise from these kind of ongoing experiences we have, which means that values have some flexibility in how we act on them in our lives. They're not rigid. And at the same time, it unlatches values quite a bit from immediate consequences. That's important. So we value something — it matters to us and it motivates action, not because of an immediate outcome but because the valuing [itself] matters to us; the effort matters. Does that make sense?
[00:08:48] Henry Emmons, MD: Mm-hmm. That makes sense.
[00:08:49] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Okay. Haha. The third —
[00:08:52] Henry Emmons, MD: But I'm glad that you explained it as deeply as you did. Hahaha.
[00:08:56] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, it does help when get into the bones of it.
So the third thing has to do with this establishment of predominant reinforcers. Okay, this is an overly complicated way of saying that our values help to make our effort more meaningful . Kind of related to what I just noted before, but it's going a little deeper here. It's more motivating; we feel like the effort is more important. And I think this is really essential when we're talking about meaning and purpose, because when we clarify our values and have that confidence of willingness to act, then we can boost the feeling that our efforts matter, our contributions matter, and that feeds our sense of meaning and purpose.
The last part, intrinsic engagement, is related to what I just noted. Again, it's gonna shine a bigger light on something. It's this alignment piece — that when we act in alignment with our values, that in itself is reinforcing. So we feel more motivated to put in the effort, no matter if we get those quick wins, or the approval, or the applause, but because we actually feel in alignment. We feel more connected to ourselves, and often to others, who are engaged in this effort in some way or who we're supporting in some way.
And also to clarify the difference between values and goals — to highlight that, 'cause you said that, Henry — super important to note that. Like, goals you can check off a list, essentially. Our values are those things we live by — that compass on the map. So if we anchor our confidence in our values, then we're more likely to act even when we don't feel confident, even when we — even if we don't think we're quite hitting that goal, we're still working through that confidence.
[00:10:47] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, I think that this can make motivation more sustainable.
[00:10:53] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yes.
[00:10:55] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah, because you don't have to wait until you feel confident to act, as we've been saying. And you don't have to achieve a goal to know that you're doing something that matters. You're living your values right now, every day, or as often as you can. So, you might think about it this way. If you value integrity, you don't check that off your list once you — if you've been honest, you know, one time. There we go. Integrity? Check. No, you practice it over and over, because that daily practice builds something real. A real sense of identity, a sense of purpose. And I think that's where the real confidence comes from, knowing that you're living according to what matters to you, what's important to you.
I think too, that values-based motivation is more durable than motivation based on outcomes, because outcomes are unpredictable. You can do everything right and still not get the desired outcome. But if you're anchored in your values, it doesn't matter as much. I mean, you still wanna get that outcome, but it's not the be-all and end-all.
And I wanna say that values are not meant to become another "should." It's not supposed to become a rigid expectation that we hold of ourselves. If you identify integrity as a value, for example, don't beat yourself up every time that you make a small mistake or tell a white lie. [If you do] you're missing the point. Values are about the direction you're moving toward, not about being perfect. So it's this journey of becoming who we want to be, and it's never finished. We are always growing, always learning, always refining how we can live from these values. And, frankly, I find that kind of liberating because it doesn't mean that I have to arrive at some destination called confident; I can be in the process of becoming confident.
[00:13:17] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yes. Yeah, throw that impossible expectation out — of arriving at confidence, and it just staying with you forever. But yeah, building the skill of it. There's something durable, sustainable about that.
So let's do it. Let's get into some values. If you're in the Joy Lab Program, we'll dig into this more with your Experiment, but this will be a nice little practice for all of us right now. So there are tons of ways to go about identifying values. We're gonna kind of lean on Viktor Frankl's categoriz... categoriza... oh my God, hahaha — Viktor Frankl's categories of values. And I should note here, this is not in the ACT framework — Acceptance and Commitment [Therapy], so sorry ACT folks. This is more [of a] logotherapy framework with a Joy Lab twist that we'll do. So please, ACT folks and others, like, drop in your comments for other values-clarification approaches that you like in the comments [of] whatever listening platform you're on, so that we can share that wisdom; we can all gain some other ideas on how to go about this. So back to Frankl. He identified three kinds of values: creative, experiential, and attitudinal.
We'll give them a bit of a Joy Lab twist by translating them into questions that we can answer to clarify some values. So creative values are about what you love to give; all of the ways you love to contribute to the world in a positive way. Maybe singing, crafting, shoveling your neighbor's driveway, gardening, all the ways you kinda offer yourself and your talents to the world. So what do you love to give?
Experiential values are the ways you love to receive; what you love to witness or be part of. It might be bird watching, or listening to music; listening to someone share their stories with you, going on walks; whatever you love to receive.
And the last one are those attitudinal values; what you stand up for. What do you stand up for? And in Frankl's description, this is more about what you believe when stuff is hard, when you lack control, maybe when you feel defeated — like what can you kinda hold onto like a life preserver? But this is relevant to daily life, too. What do you care about? What do you stand up for? Maybe it's love; compassion, integrity, honesty.
So we can take Frankl's categories here and use them as prompts to clarify our values. If you were here with us in January, this may sound familiar. So if you did it then — we kinda worked through this a bit — I encourage you to do it again, because our values may not change in big ways through our lives, but the way we go about them, the way we put them into action, absolutely does — and sometimes the ways we don't go about putting them [in] to action — so it's helpful to check in.
So you can just make three lists on a piece of paper. I'd encourage you to use like a pen and paper, for that extra layer of attention and focus. Make those three lists. One for creative, one for experiential, one for attitudinal, and just free write all the stuff that comes to mind for you. Don't hold back. And then, you'll end up with a bunch of actions probably; efforts, talents, that you already are engaging in, or that you are interested in. And then you can identify some themes in your lists that track to a value. Or maybe one is already, or several of them are already, values.
I'll list in the show notes a resource from Brené Brown, just a big list of values to help connect the dots if you need to. And you don't have to have a bunch. Just identify a few, at least, to start with; just to clarify. And those few can serve as really important guideposts, can serve as a compass, to help you check in with your efforts. Because you might find that some of the stuff that gives you knots in your stomach, that makes you feel terrible, and that you have no confidence with, just doesn't even track with your values. And that's great information because maybe you can do less of that. There's no reason to push through those obstacles, perhaps, if you don't have to — that discomfort — if it's not aligned with your values. Of course, there's complexity there, particularly if those efforts are part of your job. But having that information can be freeing at the very least, and it could initiate a change.
Alternatively, you might find that there are things that really matter to you; that you want to push through that discomfort for, that your effort [toward] absolutely matters, and you can do so [even] without feeling confident.
[00:18:15] Henry Emmons, MD: Mm-hmm. I really like those categories that you mentioned from Viktor Frankl. I had not... I was not familiar with that. I love this notion of what you love to give and what you love to receive.
[00:18:30] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah.
[00:18:30] Henry Emmons, MD: That's really, nice.
[00:18:32] Aimee Prasek, PhD: It's a nice way to clarify values in that way of giving and receiving, rather than scoring.
[00:18:37] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah. 'Cause usually I think of it just as what you've, what you stand up — what you stand for.
[00:18:44] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah.
[00:18:46] Henry Emmons, MD: And it's nice to add those other two categories. That's great.
[00:18:49] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah. Awesome.
[00:18:51] Henry Emmons, MD: Yeah. So, let me just say a little bit more about how I think of doing this values work.
First, your values are yours. Not your parents', not your culture's values, not the values you think you're supposed to have. They are your values. And sometimes that distinction is a little hard to make because we've been absorbing others' values since we were born, you know, from our families first, and then schools, religions, communities. Some of those are genuinely ours, and some of them are things we just think we should believe in. So as you do this work, notice if you're answering authentically or if you're answering how you think you should answer. Just try to notice that. And if you notice that second thing happening, just pause for a minute and ask yourself, "What do I actually care about?" Not what should I care about, but what do I actually genuinely care about?
And then second, values are not static. You mentioned this earlier, Aimee, and I totally agree. The way I value compassion for example, at 30, is very differently from how I value it now, in my 60s. And the way you give creatively might also evolve; the way you stand up for something might shift, you know, as you learn more and as you grow. So it doesn't mean you're pinning your values down once and for all. It's about checking in; noticing what's alive in you right now.
Third, and I think this is important, don't let values become just another source of self-judgment. And people do this. They identify their values, and then they create an impossible standard. "I value compassion, so I have to be compassionate all the time. I value growth, so I have to be improving constantly." And then, you know, [they] beat themselves up when they inevitably fall short. That's not what these values are for. They are for direction and not perfection.
[00:21:13] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Mm-hmm. Ooh. Did you make that up, Henry?
[00:21:17] Henry Emmons, MD: I guess I did. Hahaha.
[00:21:18] Aimee Prasek, PhD: That's amazing. I love that. Sorry, that one caught me off guard. Haha. Yes, they're for direction, not perfection. Oh my God, I want that on a T-shirt. We need merch, you guys. That's so good. Yes.
[00:21:34] Henry Emmons, MD: Hahaha. So the practice is in... is in the effort, you know, really. It's waking up every day — "How can I live my values today, even imperfectly?" Some days you'll do great, some days you'll fall short; both of those are just part of the journey. I think this is what confidence actually looks like when it's grounded in values. It's just not about doing everything right. It's about being committed to the direction you're moving; showing up as best you can with self-compassion even when you mess up. And that's confidence. It builds up over time through practice; through living with awareness, intention, and acceptance.
[00:22:20] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah.let's keep building with that direction, not perfection. Oof. With that acceptance, so good.
Next Episode, we're gonna get more into taking action too. So keep these lists of values, however you would go about clarifying them — with what we got into now, or folks, share your value-clarification ideas on the website or in the comments — however you go about doing it. And, Henry, your focus or encouragement, again, that these [values] are ours. You know, don't get too caught up in if it's the right word or if it's — if you see it on the [suggested] values list. If it matters to you and it feels like a direction — a compass — write it down. It's your value. It doesn't have to show up on any list. And then, you know, bring those values to the next Episode. We'll kind of check in on them, and we'll see what we can do with these values; how we can take action with them to feel more aligned, and build a relationship with confidence that is more nourishing than any feeling.
So to close us today, I want to share some wisdom from Dr. Howard Thurman. You've probably heard it, but I think this is something to reflect on daily. Here's what he said: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
[00:23:59] Thanks for joining us!: Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to learn more about the full Joy Lab program. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program.
Please see our terms for more information.
