[00:00:05] Henry Emmons, MD: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons, and welcome back to Joy Lab.
[00:00:10] Aimee Prasek, PhD: And I'm Aimee Prasek. We are in our Element of Letting Go, our last Episode here for this Element, and we're talking about letting go of control. So I wanna ground this with some research that can help us understand our relationship to control.
Back in 1975, Dr. Ellen Langer ran an experiment — she does great work, by the way. We cite some of her research, the counterclockwise study — I'll put that in the show notes. Great stuff. Anyway, Langer gave participants, a group which was a group of office workers, the chance to buy a lottery card. They were actually, like, little football player cards. They were a dollar each, and there were real winnings attached to them. So if the player on your card was picked, then you'd get some money. Now, half of the participants who wanted to buy in could choose which card they wanted, and then the other half had just one card handed to them. The reality here is that the odds are identical either way, whether you pick it or someone picks it for you.
Okay, so before the winning card was chosen, the researchers offered to buy the lottery tickets back, and people could choose their price — so how much they'd sell their lottery card for. And the people who chose their own card wanted, on average, over four times more money to give up their card than the people who had a card handed to them. The idea here is that the folks who chose their card, or at least this is my interpretation, felt a sense of control. And that sense of control tricked them into believing that they had a better card than all those other schmucks, right? So they wanted more money for it.
[00:02:10] Henry Emmons, MD: Hahaha. They're geniuses.
[00:02:14] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Right? "I picked the right one." Random chance. So I think this is a helpful example of how we believe we have more control than we do; that we tell ourselves some stories that make us think we have more control than we do.
I wanna give another example. Take the close-door button on most elevators, right? Do you press it to close the door more quickly? Henry, do you press it?
[00:02:45] Henry Emmons, MD: God, yes. Hahaha.
[00:02:46] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Absolutely. Are you like me and you press it, like, eight times, and it's, like, not closing, and then the door finally closes and you're like, "Oh, phew, it worked," right? Like, it finally worked after that last time. I made it work.
So there's this kinda classic article, a _New Yorker_ article from writer Nick Paumgarten, that revealed that in many elevators built after 1990 or so, that button doesn't do anything at all. It's a placebo button. So elevators built prior to the early 1990s, they did have working buttons. You could shut that door. So at one point, we did have control. This was a change based on the Americans with Disabilities Act. And I should note as well — first responders or elevator mechanics can get those buttons to work with their, like, magic key. But for all of us, we're just mashing that button with zero results. And I think elevator makers have kept those buttons just as they were in the past so that we could press them and feel a sense of control as we traveled through a little box dangling in the air by cables.
[00:04:10] Henry Emmons, MD: Hahaha. Boy, don't I feel silly.
[00:04:12] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Haha. It's not just you, Henry.
[00:04:14] Henry Emmons, MD: I am a dedicated button pusher.
[00:04:16] Aimee Prasek, PhD: The question is — now the next time you get an elevator, are you gonna push it?
[00:04:21] Henry Emmons, MD: Probably, 'cause I don't — I don't 100% believe you, Aimee.
[00:04:26] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Hahaha. You've got the magic touch, Henry. I'm sure if you push the button, it would close the door.
[00:04:35] Henry Emmons, MD: Well, now that I think about it, it never does seem to do any
[00:04:36] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Isn't that hilarious?
[00:04:39] Henry Emmons, MD: But to cut myself some slack, I get why we do this. You know? It's a myth that is so easy to buy into because it takes on an outsized importance. I think life feels so big and daunting, we wanna assert some little bit of control over it wherever we can. I think we're also wired for this. One of the brain's main jobs is to keep us safe, so it is constantly making calculations in the background about whether we are more secure if we take option A or option B. It's a prediction machine, this brain of ours. And if we're wired for it, there's usually an evolutionary reason for that. Our ancestors lived in a very scary environment where anything that gave them a teeny bit of advantage to survive got baked into their genes. We are wired to seek control. And yet the threats we face today are mostly psychological, they're not physical. And our attempts to control usually end up making us even more anxious and frustrated.
[00:05:58] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah. As you talk about the drive, the wiring; this kind of survival-drive toward control, I just wonder if sometimes we're reading the messages wrong as well. There's another classic study from Dr. Langer where nursing home residents were given small choices to make throughout the day and a houseplant to care for, and those folks were happier and more active at the end of the study. I love that simple little study because it shows a group with — very little control, as we'd see it. Yeah. They, you know, they were — they were given a chance to boost agency essentially, it improved their wellbeing.
So there's something about agency versus control. Agency is that kind of inner force where we feel like we can act, that we have some influence — not control, but some influence. And I wonder, I don't know the neural correlates of agency or control, or if they're different, but I wonder if our wiring is more directed toward identifying where we can take a meaningful action rather than, like, altering an outcome — where we have agency rather than control, and we kind of misread it, you know? And when we can't find it, when we do feel helpless, we grab for control of whatever's outside of us instead.
So ironically, I think, a strategy to help us let go of control is to realize where we do have agency. You know, we're not helpless in most situations, and we don't need to control everything to live a good life. Both of those things exist. And obviously some things like housing, food access, or pollution in our neighborhood are shaped by bigger systems that affect our wellbeing, and we have little or no control over them at times, and those are public health and human rights issues that need collective action. But at the scale of our own personal life, like talking about our inner life here, I think we dismiss our agency and often pour our energy into what we don't have control over in an effort to satisfy that drive that you just talked about, Henry, that prediction machine. So we try to control other people. We try to control our emotions in rigid ways. We try to control the way we look, like, so harshly at times that we harm ourselves in the process. So I think this kind of pursuit of control, or this pursuit of perfection really — I mean, it's the same beast that we talked about last Episode as well, this myth of closure and how close it is to this drive of perfection. I think we have this belief that once we get that control, once we control that person or the way we look, then our life would be perfect, and it's a myth. We are chasing ghosts. The good news, and I think the chorus here at Joy Lab, is that this is a skill. We can build the skill of Letting Go of this myth of control and tap into some agency too.
So for Letting Go, there are some really easy ways to start. For example, when your partner loads the dishwasher wrong — don't redo it. And you might think I'm joking, but this is something that drives me nuts, and I have to control it. So I am gonna practice that. You might find that when your coworker organizes a drive folder and you think it's the most idiotic way of ever organizing a drive folder — don't reorganize it. Or when you're stuck in traffic and you see the left lane moving a bit more, so you switch lanes — don't switch lanes. So you can have fun with this. Start with practicing this little stuff that doesn't matter much; that just gives you the chance to loosen your grip and feel a little [bit] of the discomfort of letting go, of trying to control these things. And also notice that you can navigate through that discomfort, like [lifting] lighter weights [for] more reps kind of a thing here. And the bonus is that these little things, practiced consistently, can help you loosen the grip on the bigger stuff too.
[00:10:34] Henry Emmons, MD: Geez, Aimee, that dishwasher thing hits pretty close to home. Haha.
[00:10:38] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Is that you too? Does that really bother you? Why is that such a thing?
[00:10:43] Henry Emmons, MD: I love getting as much packed in there as I possibly can.
[00:10:47] Aimee Prasek, PhD: I know. And when somebody doesn't do that, it's like, "Are you kidding me?" I get so mad. I — that, yes. So let's, let's both — Henry, there it is. Everyone, if that is something that just grates you, it's a great place to practice.
[00:11:02] Henry Emmons, MD: Oh, can't we choose something else? Hahaha.
[00:11:05] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Easier? Nope, start there. Haha.
[00:11:09] Henry Emmons, MD: Okay. Well, you know that in my clinical work, I like seeing things [on] a spectrum, and I think that's meaningful here, too. So on one end of the spectrum — the control spectrum — are folks who have pretty much thrown in the towel; they've given up on any hope of control, but not in a good way. They feel powerless to make any meaningful change in their lives, so they just don't even try anymore. On the other end — are these folks that we're talking about now, who wind themselves up so tightly trying to control everything. And the extreme example is probably OCD, where attempts to manage uncertainty can take over one's life, and it can be — I mean, really taking it over. Kind of a common example we see more these days is to become obsessed with one's health to the point that we're always online reading scary things that might happen or, you know, remedies, or paying a lot for expensive things that don't really do much good. Extreme attempts at control can quickly get turned into rigidity. And I think when someone on that end of the spectrum realizes how unhappy this has made them and they begin to loosen some of that control, at first that might feel very scary and very hard. And if they start out with too big of a change, it'll often set them back. But making small, tolerable changes — like you're talking about, Aimee — even though they are still a little uncomfortable, it can lead to this gradual easing up; untightening of their grip. I think of it as regaining a bit of inner freedom. Freedom from the tyranny of control, and it can become tyranny. And getting that little bit of freedom is like a breath of fresh air. It always feels good.
[00:13:25] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, that spectrum is really helpful because these can absolutely be serious conditions, and there are really effective treatments, so it is important to reach out if you're feeling that. And a lot of us are caught in the kind of daily medium, moderate level of, you know, hamster-wheel control, I think. We get on, exhaust ourselves, but we can get off the wheel. And then we have to jump back on to try to control something uncontrollable. And then we can get back off. And then we get back on. And so that's kind of the wheel we can work with, with these self-care practices. Particularly the ones we're talking about now.
But I also understand the resistance here, like, "we're giving up, or we're not taking responsibility for our actions if we don't try to pursue control or perfection." But I think it's often our fear shouting at us, and maybe it's highlighting, you know, that we haven't identified where we do have some agency or influence. It is not uncommon to feel scared of opening up to uncertainty or easing up on ourselves, just like you noted, Henry. That's tough. We might feel like we'll get crushed doing that, so we feel like the only solution is to go out — you know, like all-out on control. But it's just not true. Letting go of control can actually sharpen our focus and our efforts, and then we can really see where we do have agency or some influence. Of course it's not easy, especially when we're talking about more than just like dishwashers or Google Drives. And so, sort of along [with] those simple practices that we can do of, you know, practicing letting go bit by bit with that little stuff, I think it can really help to get more clear on where we have control or agency, and where we don't.
So in Epictetus' _Handbook_, he wrote, "Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and in a word, whatever is of our own doing. Not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and in a word, whatever is not of our own doing."
I like those phrases, like, "within our power...whatever is of our doing." So I think those are really good ways to kind of clarify our agency or influence, So another way we could think of this as well is, "what is dependent on me?" Kind of like that. It lines up more with agency, you know, where will my efforts make a difference? So this takes some, kind of, sitting-with, I think, but I've found it super helpful to ask these kinds of questions and then take some time to really think about what truly is dependent on me. And those answers can tell me where to put more of my effort.
[00:16:37] Henry Emmons, MD: So I'm remembering a similar concept from a writer from a ways back named Stephen Covey, and he wrote a book called _The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People_, which was really popular for a while. And in it, he talked about two circles, and I think he later revised it to three.
The largest, outermost circle was what he called the circle of concern. And that included everything that we're concerned about; that we worry about; we wanna control, but we can't. And if you wanna be effective in your work, or your family — really any aspect of your life — then you don't wanna spend much of your energy here, 'cause it's a waste of time.
In the middle, a smaller circle, is what he called the circle of influence — which I think is kind of where you're talking [about], Aimee — which includes things that we can't really control, but we can have some influence over. So for example, it might be a work project that you're doing with a team. Your own efforts can make the final project better, but you alone do not control the outcome. Or think about parenting. God knows you cannot control your kids, but it's worth the effort to try to teach them some helpful habits or ways of seeing the world. I mean, you wanna do your best as a parent. But if you wanna stay sane you also have to realize at some point, they're going to live their own lives and you don't have a lot to say about it.
And then the third, and the smallest, of these circles is what Covey called the circle of control. And I think this also — this is some of the things that Epictetus talked about, and I think Covey was drawing from the Stoic philosophers actually — and that is that what you can control is your own attitude; your thoughts to a degree, and your actions. And this small circle is where we wanna put most of our efforts, if what we want is to be effective.
Now, I think it's worth pointing out that in both of these models, Epictetus and Covey, the only way that you can work with them successfully is to be aware of what's happening, both in your outer life and your inner life. Because if you don't have that conscious awareness, there's no way you can choose where you're going to put your energy. It's just gonna go where it goes. Both of them seem to be saying that real freedom is not about control. Freedom is knowing the difference between what you have influence over and what you don't. We might think we want control, but I think what we really want is autonomy or inner freedom. And these are very different things. Control is an illusion. Autonomy is real. It's your ability to act according to your own values, your own judgment, your own effort. So instead of asking, "What can I control?" — which is a trap — ask, "What's mine to do?" You're putting your real energy where it matters. You're taking responsibility for your own effort, your own choices, your own response, and you're letting go of the fantasy that you can control everything else.
[00:20:24] Aimee Prasek, PhD: Yeah, these are the questions we can ask ourselves. "What's mine to do?" Love that. "What depends on me?" When we start to answer those questions, however you wanna phrase it, we can loosen our grip on control, and build more agency and autonomy.
To also emphasize, like, how immediately helpful this can be — back to the lottery card research — Langer didn't ask participants how they felt, after most of them lost. But I would guess that the folks who picked their own card, and felt this false sense of control, and then lost, were more disappointed in themselves and the experience. So this would follow the research on how responsibility kind of amplifies regret, and I think that's really important to remember. When we're trying to control all these things around us and they, like 99% of the time, do not follow our orders, we can feel worse about all those things. We can feel more blame, more disappointment, more resentment, more regret. When we're able to actually see what depends on us, what's mine to do, I think then we can shake off a lot of these unfair burdens we're putting on ourselves, like these impossible expectations and responsibilities. Freedom, as you said, Henry. There's so much freedom there.
So our Experiment will help us get into that a bit more; to navigate that. If you haven't joined our Experiments yet, learn more at JoyLab.coach. You'll not only help keep Joy Lab alive — the work we do here as a nonprofit, focused on increasing access to these essential mental health practices — but you'll get all these great little practices yourself.
So I hope our Element of Joy this time around — Letting Go — has offered you some ease, some skill building, some freedom so that you can continue this work. It makes a difference. It is worth your time. And our next Element — perfect follow-up to this — is Self-Compassion. It's a really powerful skill to use as we let go of these impossible expectations and burdens; as we continue to practice this Letting Go.
So until then, I wanna share some wisdom from Thich Nhat Hanh. Here's what he wrote: "Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness."
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