250. Welcoming Back the Parts of You That Have Not Known Love
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Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons and welcome back to Joy Lab.
Aimee Prasek: And I am Aimee Prasek. We are in our series on the gates of grief and working with our Element of Savoring. We are taking inspiration mainly from Francis Weller and his book, the Wild Edge of Sorrow, with a Joy Lab twist.
And today we're looking through that second gate, which is the Places That Have Not Known Love. And this gate is pretty different from the first, which was Everything We Love We Will Lose. That first gate leans maybe a little bit more toward the external stuff we can kind of count. With this gate, we're really diving within and talking about losing parts of ourselves, or more accurately the rejection of parts of ourselves, like banishing them because we believe, or we've been told that they're [00:01:00] not acceptable.
So these are the parts we hide. The parts we think are too much or not enough, too masculine, too feminine, too sensitive, too scared, too loud, too angry, too cautious, too ambitious. For example, I remember when I was five, I loved having short hair, like real short hair, and I also like dresses. And a pack of five year olds came up to me at my new preschool,
we had just moved, to Minnesota.
Henry: A little gang.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah, you bet. This is, this was a, this was the gang, and they asked, are you a girl or a boy? 'Cause you can't wear a dress and have short hair too. Those little turds, and I get that these are kids, but seriously, those little monsters created a defining moment for me that I never talked to anyone about. But I really got the message that what I liked
wasn't right and I didn't fit in. [00:02:00] So it might seem small and kind of silly. It's kind of a funny little story this yeah, gang of 5-year-old monsters. We've all had moments like these and some of them create a little interesting question in our minds about what is good in us or what is not good in us.
What is okay, what is not okay? I, I'm sure we can all relate, right, of feeling like we don't fit in feeling like some piece of us is wrong. And so the grief of this gate is that these banished parts were never held with love. They were shamed or they were rejected.
Henry: Yeah. So a perfectly logical person, Aimee, we know. We know some of those people might look at this and say, why on earth would anyone do that? Why banish parts of yourself when it only makes you feel bad? And it's true that doing that does not serve us well. [00:03:00] You know, rejecting parts of ourselves, making ourselves smaller, never works.
Not, not really. It might seem to, but it, it doesn't work. So on the surface it makes no sense. But anybody who's lived in a human body who has a somewhat permeable heart gets it.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: So why do we do it? I, I think basically it's because we wanna belong. That is one of the deepest, most powerful yearnings we humans have, to belong to be accepted.
And we learn pretty early what's acceptable and what isn't by age five. Right? Probably even earlier. And we are just intuitively very good at reading the room, you know, even as small children, so we pick up on these subtle cues, you know, a parent's disappointment, a, a teacher's [00:04:00] irritation, or other kids excluding us, or a not so subtle cues like a gang of children coming and stirring things up.
Aimee Prasek: If only I knew their names still to this day.
Henry: Yeah. If you're listening, send Aimee apology.
Aimee Prasek: Time.
Henry: So, you know, we adapt. We, we shapeshift, we, we hide the parts of us that don't seem to fit.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: And I think the tragedy is that we often do this when we're so young that we don't even remember that there was a choice that we made.
Aimee Prasek: Yes.
Henry: Then these rejected parts just go underground and we forget that they're even there.
So we construct a self as we go through our early lives, especially, we're always doing it, but especially when we're young, that we think is more lovable, more acceptable, more likely to be invited to belong, and then we wonder [00:05:00] why do we feel so incomplete?
Aimee Prasek: Yeah, incomplete. You know, they talk about bioaccumulation and some of like public health, environmental health research. This idea that toxins in our environment build up and cause a, a load that then causes dysfunction, health outcomes, You, you don't know those things are building up until they cause some harm.
I feel like there's a lot in here with this gate. It's like all these little things, these little iterations, these little changes we make to ourselves that we don't even realize in an effort to belong and feel accepted until finally, like you said, we hit that point where like. Wait, who am I? I feel incomplete, or what is that sort of vacant state?
Why am I not feeling quite connected? I wanna link to our self connection series too, in the show notes. I think that's a really powerful tool. If this is resonating with you, so I'll put that in the show notes. I think also I wanna link to [00:06:00] some of the research, I think it relates here, on child abuse actually, and neglect highlights this. When the impact of abuse is studied;
so physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect; neglect seems to be the most destructive form of child abuse from like a global perspective on long-term outcomes. So when folks have have dealt with this abuse, and they're studied later in their lives and the full picture of their quality of life and outcomes are assessed, neglect is the most impactful.
So neglect just chips away at so many aspects of our being. And I think that that research applies to self neglect and what we're talking about here, of rejecting parts of ourselves. It's really harmful. I like Carl Jung's, wisdom here with shadow selves as well. So the shadow is everything we've rejected about ourselves, the qualities, feelings, impulses, we deem unacceptable.[00:07:00]
But here's the thing. Even if we neglect these aspects of ourselves, they don't disappear. The shadow is still there. We can hide it in the darkness, but we can't stay in the dark all our lives. At least we can't stay there if we wanna lead a full, rich life. So we can't neglect our shadows out of existence.
And when we try, exhaustively, to keep our shadows out of view, they can show up in other ways. Jung talks about how these would show up as addictions, rage, depression , anxiety. And it's not that these shadows are the source of all mental health issues, that's not true. but, but all of us do this and those pieces of us that are, that are hidden, that we've hidden, they are shouting through these symptoms begging us, "please see me, please care for this part of me too." But instead of seeing [00:08:00] them as rejected parts seeking care, we often see them as problems, or we might think that if we let them in, if we love those pieces of ourselves, they'll hurt us more. They'll take over. So we often try to medicate them, or fix them, send them away. But here's some good news. I think what's maybe freeing about this is that when we love those parts of ourselves that we have rejected, they lose their grip over us. So take anger for example. if you've been told to always stuff your anger down that anger is bad and you can't be angry. Where does all that anger go?
It just gets stuffed down and it smolders within us causing a lot of smoke damage, or it explodes at some point. It, you know, we just can't hold it in. So there really isn't any other option. And when we accept that part of ourselves, maybe that angry part, or [00:09:00] whatever that rejected part is, then we can work with it.
We can feel the anger, we can start to know it, how it shows up for us, and then we can meet it with some curiosity and, and compassion, some kindness. And then we can navigate it with skills, with practices so that it's a benefit in our lives and in the world. So your anger can be navigated into perseverance or positive activism or just digging holes in the garden.
That's what I do with my anger often. I just need to get some energy out, right? But I know it's there so I, I can start to work with it and then see what comes next. And that's why I love this gate. It reminds us that we will grieve the parts of ourselves that we reject, and those rejected parts will
cause some problems until we open this gate and invite them back into our lives. And that's empowering. It's an invitation to really be who you are and know that [00:10:00] when you do that with a compassionate approach, then a lot of healing can happen. There's a Michael Ventura quote author, that I love.
He wrote. "You are not one person. You are many people. You are a community of moods and selves under one name. Parts of you aren't even human. They're part mammal, part reptile, part rose, part moon, part wind, and life is a question of which parts are dominant, which in effect possess you. I think most people walk around possessed by the dullest parts of themselves.
This the worst state of possession is called normal."
Henry: Hmm. Wow. Powerful quote.
Aimee Prasek: I love that.
Henry: So I think it might be helpful to, to link this to something I, I actually brought up a few episodes ago, and this is called Internal Family System. So usually it's called IFS. And that's a, a therapy [00:11:00] model that was developed by Richard Schwartz, but it's really, I think largely based on Jung's work.
You know, that you just brought up, Aimee. And it's, it's built on the idea that we are not just a single unified self. But we're a collection of different parts and all of these parts have value, even the ones that we try to stuff or put aside or banish altogether. So in IFS, there's this concept of the self with a capital S, the big Self, you know, and we often refer to it as the observing self or the higher self, and it's the core of who we are.
Which is inherently whole, wise, and compassionate. And then there are all these other parts that have taken on different roles often in order to protect us from something like pain or rejection. So some parts are what we, are [00:12:00] called exiles, you know the vulnerable wounded parts that we have locked away because they carry too much- too much shame, too much hurt, too much energy around it.
And then there are other parts that are called protectors, and those are working over time to make sure that those exiles never come out to see the light of day. So the protectors are the perfectionists, the people pleasers, the inner critics. It's important to remember that even though we may not like that part of ourselves, they are not trying to hurt us. They're trying to help in the only way that they know how.
Aimee Prasek: Yeah.
Henry: And I think that's the beautiful thing about this model is that no part is good or bad, nothing is broken. Every part has an intention, a positive intention, even if the strategy it's using is kind of old news, you [00:13:00] know, that something that worked maybe kind of worked when we were kids but doesn't work anymore or it's causing outright problems at this point.
So the work then is to become curious about these parts, to listen to them and maybe even help them relax and not have to take on this, this extreme role of protection. So when we can do that, we welcome all of our parts back home, there's this sense of integration of wholeness. And, and who is it that's doing that welcoming, that integrating?
It's that higher self that we talk about. So then you're not at war with yourself, and that's when real healing starts to happen.
Aimee Prasek: I love that the truth here is that parts of ourselves are not the enemy. No matter how weird or uncomfortable we might think they are, the real destruction comes in the rejection. I like how you noted too, Henry, is just those [00:14:00] parts of ourselves maybe are overcorrecting with some outdated strategies.
They're trying their best, it moves the purpose and from elimination to integration. And we can do that work. I think this connects directly to, to our Element of Joy for this month, Savoring. When you can savor all of yourself, including the messy parts, there is a profound experience of self-love and self-connection that is, is there for you.
We explored that last month, as I noted. And so, it's not that we're necessarily savoring our grief, it's that we're savoring all these pieces of ourselves with this gate. We're inviting them back, inviting them love, and that is powerful medicine. So how do we actually do that? How do we invite these parts of ourselves back with some love and savor the wholeness of ourselves more often?
I'm gonna pass that ball to you, Henry.
Henry: Thanks, Aimee.
Aimee Prasek: You are welcome.
Henry: Yeah, let's, let's talk about how to actually work with this [00:15:00] and, how to, how to identify and welcome back these rejected parts of ourselves. So I'm just gonna walk us through a simple practice. I'm gonna keep it pretty brief here, but there is a, a more guided version in our Joy Lab Program if you want to go deeper with this.
So this is a model that may be familiar to some of you 'cause we use it in different ways here in Joy Lab, it's that three parts: see what is, accept what is, and then take wise action. So first, see what is. Here the job is to identify what we have rejected, the parts of ourselves that we have abandoned or banished, and here are some questions that might help you get at that.
What emotions am I not comfortable with? You know, for, for me, is it anger? Is it sadness? Is it neediness?
Some people, maybe it's even joy. Not comfortable with that.
[00:16:00] Second question.
What qualities in myself do I often criticize? Parts of me that I say, "geez, there you're, I'm doing it again? You know, what a" this or that.
And then third question. When do I feel shame? What triggers shame for me?
And when you do this, when you ask these questions of yourself, you know, pay attention to the inner critic, the voice that's saying, you're not good enough. You're too much of this, you're too much of that. You're doing it wrong. Instead of believing it or even arguing with that voice, just be curious about it and ask, "what is this part afraid of?" You know, this critic, "what is it trying to protect me from?"
Second stage is to accept what is. So if you've identified a rejected part, the next step is to offer it some compassion. Which [00:17:00] might feel a little awkward or weird at first, but just try to have a gentle conversation with it.
Almost like you're speaking to a, you know, a, a young child who's hurt or something. And you could even say it out loud if you wanted to, but you don't have to. You could say something like, "I see you. I am sorry I rejected you. You have been trying to help me all of this time, haven't you?"
And you could add some self-compassion. "I am not alone in this. Everybody struggles with parts of themselves that they'd rather hide. Everybody does this." So you could even place a hand on your heart or give yourself a, you know, gentle hug around your shoulders or just some, any kind of supportive touch, just a signal to your nervous system that, that this is safe to do.
And this is where grief can sometimes surface. You might feel sadness or even [00:18:00] anger or something about how long you have kept this part in exile. That's okay if that comes up. Just, just let yourself feel it. And if it feels too much, take a step back, take a breath. You can always come back to it at another time.
Or you can seek support from, from someone to navigate it more, more easily. And then the third thing is to take wise action. And here I'm gonna say to share wisely. And this is really crucial. You know, bring these parts out of hiding and into your community in some way. Share it with somebody you love or somebody who can hold a space for you.
It could be a a therapist, but it could also be a close friend or a support group of some sort. So Francis Weller, who we've been kind of working with in this series emphasizes that grief is not meant to be done alone. And the same is true for this reclaiming of our rejected parts. [00:19:00] So when someone else can see and accept what we have hidden, it loosens the grip of shame reminds us that we're still worthy, we're still worthy of love and belonging, even with these parts, not in spite of them, but even with them. And if you'd like, you can even write a letter, you know, that you never send, it's a letter to yourself, but just the act of naming what you've rejected in writing and offering a compassion is powerful.
Aimee Prasek: I love that idea too, Henry of writing a letter maybe. If it feels really scary to share wisely, that can be a really great spot. You know, who else really likes to listen to these deep shares? Pets. My dog loves to listen to me talk about all of this stuff. So, I dunno, they at least, you know, will [00:20:00] give you a, a comforting, supportive touch, which is helpful.
So there's lots of ways to sort of warm up to, I think to actually maybe reaching out to a, a human. You could start with a letter. I love that. Or with a pet, just getting, getting it up and out can be so helpful. That's such a great practice. We'll put it in the blog over at the website.
I'll link it in the show notes. I'm also gonna put some extra episodes in the show notes, as I said, with self connection, but also that we've done with imposter phenomenon. and our authenticity series and some self-acceptance episodes.
You will not be short on what to do next if this gate is, speaking to you. It can be really helpful. Now, next week we're going to, look through that third gate, which is the sorrows of the world. We'll talk about collective grief and what it means to have a heart that's open to the suffering in and around us.
Thanks for joining us!: To close our time today, I wanna share some wisdom from Mary [00:21:00] Oliver. Here's what she wrote. "You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to learn more about the full Joy Lab program. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
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